Comalies
by Jinxgirl
Summary: Buffy must use extreme measures to draw Faith out of her coma in season four. What she sees inside Faith's mind shakes her and forever changes their relationship... will be very long. Takes place fourth season, pre-Tara/Riley,four months after Graduation
1. Chapter 1

"Wake up" Alicia Keys

You used to be my closest ally  
In this cold, cold world of deception and lies  
We would defend and protect one another  
Now I can't tell if we're enemies or lovers  
So who's gonna rescue us from ourselves  
When we gonna wake up (wake up)  
Baby,(wake up) it's time for loving  
When we gonna wake up (wake up)  
My baby,(wake up)before it's too late

Oh baby  
Where did we go wrong, baby  
Did this cold, cold world turn us into stone  
Well  
Now all I battle  
Is your ego and your pride  
It's ticking like a time bomb  
Ready to ignite  
Hurt me to fight  
So who's gonna rescue us from ourselves  
When we gonna wake up (wake up)  
Baby,(wake up) it's time for loving  
When we gonna wake up (wake up)  
My baby,(wake up) before it's too late  
When we gonna wake up (wake up)  
Baby,(wake up) it's time for loving  
When we gonna wake up (wake up)  
My baby,(wake up) before it's too late

When the smoke clears  
What will be left for us but tears and pain  
Why must we argue over the same things  
Just to make up and go back again  
It's never too late  
Living to long  
Can't get it right when no one thinks they're wrong  
Gotta get out of bed  
And take a look at what's going on

Chapter 1

Never a good thing to be awakened from a deep, restful sleep by the annoying shrillness of a ringing telephone... but for this to happen at 8 am on a Saturday morning was enough for Buffy Summers to 

immediately want to break the receiver in half. Unfortunately the phone in her dorm was the college's, and she'd then have to replace it- and she'd already had to replace enough furniture and appliances destroyed in demon-related incidents in the scant two weeks she'd been a college.

"This had better be an apocalypse," Buffy mumbled with no shortage of venom in her groggy tone as she reached with squinting eyes for the phone on her night stand, taking the receiver up to her ear. Through her still-blurry, half-open eyes, she could see Willow, in the dorm bed across from her, groaning as though in pain at the phone's ringing as she curled up into an even tighter ball, pulling her blanket over her head.

"Someone better be dead, dying, or killing," Buffy growled into the phone, "cause there is no other reason that anyone would be awake and actually wanting to talk at this time of the day..."

"Buffy? You're awake, then?" came the slightly taken aback voice of her former Watcher. Buffy could just picture him frowning slightly; Giles, being an older man, British, and both an ex-librarian and ex-Watcher, had no choice but to be one of those infuriating types who didn't realize that mornings should be used for sleeping.

"I wasn't," Buffy replied pointedly and tersely. "Please tell me there's a very good reason for calling me at an hour where vampires can still stroll about flame-free?"

"Actually, Buffy, it's quite bright outside at this time, particularly today. The weather is-" Giles began.

"Thanks, Giles, I'll take your word for it," Buffy interrupted quickly, rolling her eyes as she slowly moved herself into an upright seated position in bed. "Sarcasm, exaggeration, they're generally used to emphasize a point. And here it is, the point: why are you calling me so early? What's going on?"

There was a pause, and when Giles finally replied, his answer was carefully worded, neutral.

"I'd like for you to come by my home as soon as you are feasibly able to, Buffy."

Buffy frowned at this; that wasn't any kind of answer at all, especially not the kind she'd been expecting to hear.

"Uh, any particular reason, Giles? What's going on?"

"This isn't a matter we should discuss over the phone, Buffy. I should like to speak to you in person," Giles told her in the same careful tone. "Please, just come as soon as you are able to."

Buffy's frown deepened, and concern twisted uncomfortably in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to ask Giles more questions, pry out of his unwilling mouth the exact details of what he needed to tell her, why it required such discretion and urgency. But somehow she restrained herself, sensing that asking him would cause him to repeat his previous statements.

"All right, I'll be there as soon as I can," she told him slowly. "Do you want me to take Willow and the others too?"

"No- no, Buffy, I believe that for now, I will only speak to you," Giles said slowly. "Later we may change this; for now, I would prefer for you to come alone."

"All right, see you soon," Buffy replied, hanging up. Her grogginess and irritation had dissipated, replaced with a slightly buzzed, worried anticipation as to whatever it was that Giles needed to tell her. A nervous energy was already running through her, one that would surely serve to make her jog to Giles's go faster.

She stood up, going quickly to her closet and pulling out some clothes and gathering her hair brush as well. She could hear Willow sitting up in bed behind her, pushing back the covers from her head.

"Buffy... who was that? Is something wrong?" she asked with some nervousness, brow wrinkling.

Buffy turned towards her, giving her a quick little smile. "I don't know, Will. It was Giles... he wants me to come talk to him about something at his house. He wouldn't say what."

"Oh... that's strange," Willow said, her frown deepening. "Want me to go too?"

"No... he, he said he just wants me to go," Buffy said slowly. "I don't know why... this is pretty strange. I wonder what he wants."

"Hmm," Willow mumbled. "Well... if, if it's okay to, you'll tell me later, won't you?"

She looked at Buffy in a manner that was almost hesitant, shy, reminding Buffy of the awkward girl she had been a few years ago. It made Buffy smile a bit nostalgically, yet also somewhat guiltily, even as she knew that the whole secretive business wasn't her doing.

"You bet, Will. Whatever wicked villain needs some killin', you'll be first to know."

Willow smiled slightly at Buffy's quip, but her eyes were still concerned.

"All right... be careful though Buffy."

Buffy just nodded, somehow unable to come up with a reply. As she exited through their dorm door, she could feel Willow's eyes watching her, wondering, worrying about what Giles was about to tell her. Buffy couldn't help but share the redhead's concerns.

Buffy wasn't a girl to beat around the bush too often; she had barely greeted Giles and accepted his invitation to sit on the couch beside his position in his armchair before she asked, "Okay, Giles, what's up? What's the new big bad, and what do we need to do to kill it?"

Giles looked down for a moment, shifting in awkward discomfort; taking off his glasses, he began to clean them with a slight frown.

"Ah, well, Buffy, to be quite honest, there IS no villain, no evil being or monster, per se. And hopefully no killing will be required either."

"Well... then what's this all about?" Buffy asked in confusion. "If there's nothing out there to fight, no approaching end of the world, then what is it?"

Her mind raced with the possibilities, examining and disregarding ideas as soon as they came to her. No monster... it had to be about someone, someone they knew. Bad news, it had to be bad news. Someone must be hurt, or worse... who, who was it? Xander? Anya? Oz? Cordelia? No, then Giles would have wanted Willow to come too, he would have wanted them all to come.

Mom... it must be her mother, Joyce Summers. That was the only person where Giles would have just wanted to talk to Buffy. Buffy's heartbeat quickened, and she felt the panic compressing in her chest, choking her throat. If something had happened to her mom...

"Giles..." she made herself ask, her throat dry. "Is it Mom?"

"No, no, Buffy, your mother is fine," Giles assured her quickly. "This- this is something different, quite different."

He paused, clearing his throat before going on.

"I have been contacted by the Council... they wanted to speak to me about Faith."


	2. Chapter 2

**"Catch Me While I'm Sleeping" by Pink**

_Verse 1_  
How many times have you sat across from me?  
And how many times have you told me you were leavin'?  
I'm no tryin' to listen, 'cause it's all the same  
And why, why are you constantly believing  
That I, I could ever give you what you're needing?  
Baby, baby, please don't put your faith in me  
I don't know what to say  
'Cause it's all a dream to me anyway

_Chorus_  
You can catch me while  
I'm sleepin', darlin'  
While I'm dreamin', too  
It's a lonely, lonely, lonely place  
for me baby  
It must get lonely for you, too

_Verse 2_  
People always fallin'  
In and out of love and  
It can be pretty painful, too  
And maybe, Oh maybe I'm just not strong enough  
Sad but true  
So tell me what's the use?

Oh, Oh You can catch me while  
I'm sleepin', darlin'  
Maybe While I'm dreamin', too  
'Cause It's a lonely, lonely, lonely place  
for me baby  
It must get lonely for you, too

Chapter 2

Buffy blinked, caught off-guard by that proclamation.

"Faith? Our Faith? Has she come out of her coma?"

A sudden thought struck her, and Buffy's eyes widened, her stomach dropping.

"Giles- Faith is okay, isn't she? She's not..." she blinked again quickly, unable to bring herself to say the words that were flickering through her brain... the words that would make more real to her the possibility that Faith might finally have died.

Ever since Buffy and Faith's confrontation on the rooftop four months ago- the confrontation that led to Buffy stabbing her sister slayer in the stomach and Faith flinging herself off the roof onto a passing truck bed- Faith had remained in a coma in the Sunnydale hospital. Buffy would have had no insight whatsoever into Faith's mental and emotional state since, except for her dreams. The first time Buffy dreamed about Faith, Faith had seemed to hold no anger or resentment towards her; she seemed saddened, sorry for her past actions. Buffy somehow knew that her dreams were shared by Faith, possibly a result of their sister slayer connection- and almost definitely a reflection of the other girl's psyche. And if this were true, then somehow Faith and her attitude toward Buffy had changed... or else it had never been quite as hateful and aggressive as Faith had wanted to come across as.

Proof of that was Faith's words in Buffy's first dream with her. Cryptic as they had been, they had still provided Buffy with the knowledge she had needed to defeat the Mayor- who Faith had once loved like a father. Buffy knew that couldn't be a coincidence... and also what it must have taken for Faith to tell her, even while unconscious and through a dream. Maybe even especially so; Buffy doubted she would ever know the effort and energy that had expended from Faith.

Ever since Faith had visited Buffy's dreams sporadically, each time behaving much in the friendly, almost wistful way she had in the first. And each time Buffy felt instinctively that the dreams were deliberate, messages sent out from Faith that she was supposed to understand and interpret, messages that were important in more ways than just conveying to Buffy Faith's changing and regrets. But Buffy had never been able to understand them, and neither, when she described them to him, had Giles.

What with the dreams and her gratitude over Faith's help with the mayor, not to mention her hurt and helpless physical state- a state Buffy had put her into- Buffy could hold no anger or resentment for Faith either. When she thought of her sister slayer, it was with a blending of sadness, guilt, and helpless worry for her, a wishing that everything had gone differently between them. Even when Faith had been at the height of her terrible, misguided actions, even when Buffy had steeled herself to hate her in order to make herself able to kill her, she had still had to work hard to bury the affection she had once felt for her, the many memories they shared of lighter times. Now when Buffy thought of Faith, especially after one of their shared dreams, she could only remember the feisty young girl she had been before, the girl who, despite her rough edges, had her heart in the right place. The girl who had never quite been able to be really happy...

She had gone to visit Faith only three times since she had sank into her coma. Once, immediately after their first dream, where Faith had helped Buffy with the mayor. The second time, the day after the mayor's aborted Ascenscion on Graduation Day. Buffy had told Faith what had happened and thanked her for her help, as Faith lay there, still and unresponsive. The third time had been a week afterward. After that, Buffy had stopped visiting. She felt guilty, ashamed for doing so, but she couldn't stand to keep looking at Faith so motionless and pale, to see how thin and unnatural she looked, almost as if she were nearly already dead. She couldn't stand to not see Faith improve, to know that it was she who had hurt her so badly.

And so it had been nearly three months since Buffy had gone to visit Faith in the hospital. Anything could have happened in that time...

Buffy's mind stumbled over itself as she tried to remember when she'd last shared a dream connection with Faith. It had been recently, hadn't it? Surely not more than a week ago at the most. Surely Faith wasn't...

"Faith is okay, right? She has to be!" she repeated to Giles, hearing the near panic entering her tone. "Last time I saw her she was still the same, not better or worse. How could that have changed? And I'm stil having dreams-"

"That's it exactly, Buffy, she _hasn't'_ changed," Giles told her quietly as he put his glasses back on, meeting the blonde slayer's eyes. "Faith is showing improvement, yes, but no indications of awakening. 

Her wounds have healed as well as ever expected, and yet she still remains comatose. Buffy- I believe that it is not physical reasons, but rather mental ones, that keep her in her present state."

Buffy felt her expression freeze at his words, and an icy dread and guilt spread through her insides.

"You think- you think something's wrong with Faith's mind?" she almost whispered in horror. "Like- like it's damaged now? Is- is she a v-vegetable now?"

She cringed at the harshness of her own word, blinking back tears... but Giles was shaking his head at 

her hurriedly, his eyes widening as well.

"No, no, Buffy, that isn't what I meant at all!" he hastened to reassure her. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder, and Buffy closed her eyes briefly, nearly sagging in relief. "On the contrary. I have spoken with Faith's doctors, and as I understand it her physical signs are very encouraging. She breathes on her own; she only requires a feeding tube as a matter of nutrition and hydration. She shows normal brain activity and also shows normal, or rather nearly normal, reflexes in response to physical stimuli. What with these positive physical signs and the dreams you have shared with me, it seems quite clear to me that Faith's mind is fine. When I say she remains in a coma for mental reasons, Buffy, what I actually meant was for emotional reasons. I think that physically, Faith should have been able to come out of her coma weeks, even months, ago. I suspect the problem is not that she can't, but that she won't- that she, for whatever reasons, doesn't want to."

Buffy's brow furrowed as she thought about Giles's words; they made sense to her, but somehow they didn't feel right.

"I don' t know, Giles... why would she _want_ to stay in a coma? And why would I keep having these dreams about her if Faith wanted to stay? I... I get the feeling somehow that she does want to come back, but can't. Maybe...maybe she has dreams a lot, really vivid ones, and she can't just wake up from them yet. Maybe... I don't know, Giles, I just don't know," Buffy exhaled, spreading her arms almost helplessly. "I know she's trying to tell me something in our dreams... I just don't get it."

She was quiet for a moment, her face pensive as she tried to remember her last dream with Faith. Suddenly she straightened, frowning at Giles sharply.

"Wait a minute... what does the Council have to do with any of this? What do they care? You said they contacted you about Faith- what do they want?"

Giles's shoulders stiffened; he seemed to be bracing himself for something very unpleasant. Buffy felt her heart speed up once again as she waited, her own body tensing in dreaded anticipation of his response.

"They want to have her feeding and hydration tubes removed," he replied finally, his voice taut. "If, by four days' time, Faith has not yet awakened, they will do so and allow her to die of malnutrition and dehydration."


	3. Chapter 3

"All you wanted" by Michelle Branch

I wanted to be like you  
I wanted everything  
So I tried to be like you  
And I got swept away

I didn't know that it was so cold  
And you needed someone  
to show you the way  
So I took your hand and we figured out  
That when the tide comes  
I'd take you away

If you want to  
I can save you  
I can take you away from here  
So lonely inside  
So busy out there  
And all you wanted  
was somebody who cares

I'm sinking slowly  
So hurry hold me  
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on  
Please can you tell me  
So I can finally see  
Where you go when you're gone

Chapter 3

For several moments Buffy was certain she had not heard Giles right. She could only stare at him, her hazel eyes growing huge with her shock and horror, as Giles looked back at her grimly.

"What?" she breathed, her voice hushed, stunned. "What do you mean? They want to- they want-"

"Yes, Buffy," Giles said softly, meeting her eyes with his own solemnly. "I'm afraid you did hear me correctly."

"But- but they can't _do_ that!" Buffy blurted, blinking rapidly, shaking her head jerkily. "They can't _do_ that, they would _kill_ her! That would _kill_ her, Giles!"

"Yes, Buffy, I know," Giles said in the same quiet tone, still watching his former slayer with a sad solemnity that only agitated Buffy further. She stood up abruptly, leaning towards him with an aggressive distress that was almost hostile unconsciously.

"But- Giles, they can't _do_ that! Is that even _legal_?! You can't just go around killing people who are in comas, that can't be legal! What happened to sticks-up-their-asses, follow- the-the-rulebook Council people? Does that all go out the window when they decide they want to _murder_ someone?!" Buffy cried, throwing her hands up in disgusted emphasis.

"Actually Buffy, it's quite legal for guardians or relatives in charge of the decision making of a person, particularly a minor like Faith, to decide, in the case of coma patients, to let the person go, to let nature take its course," Giles replied slowly, his tone strange, as if he were having to make himself pry the words from his mouth. "It is apparently rather common..."

"_Common_?! Common to _kill_ people?!" Buffy sputtered, glowering at him incredulously. "Let _nature_ take its course?! How the hell is it _natural_ to let a helpless person starve to death?! How do _they_ have the right to decide that anyway, they're not her parents or her guardians!"

"Oh, I quite agree with you, Buffy," Giles told her, and Buffy realized suddenly that there was a darkness to his tone, an anger in his expression that she hadn't noticed before. "It is certainly not right or natural to deliberately end the life of a young woman- a _child_- who is harmless, not even conscious. But the Council isn't looking at Faith as an injured young girl; they are regarding her as a Slayer who has been rendered useless and inactive. And they _do_ have the power to make such decisions in regard to her care. Faith has not family; with the death of her mother and her old Watcher, the Council became the nearest thing to an official guardian that she has."

"Oh, and they did such a great job caring for her!" Buffy blurted out furiously. She stopped then suddenly, flushing, as it occurred to her that neither had any of the rest of them, not like they could have cared for her, before it was too late...

"They can't do this, Giles," Buffy repeated, still standing over him, shaking her head, though some of her aggression had faded from her voice and posture. "Why would they do this? What is their_ reason_ for doing this to her?"

"Inconvenience and impatience, mainly," Giles muttered, a bitter edge to his tone. "Greed. The cost of maintaining her current physical well-being. But mainly, pride. They have grown tired of waiting for a Slayer who may never awaken, a Slayer who may never awaken. A Slayer they would have to spend extensive time prosecuting and rehabilitating before they viewed her as being of any use to them. They would much rather have a new Slayer activated, one who may be different from both you and Faith. A Slayer who, like Kendra, for instance, could be molded and used by them to their satisfaction."

"Oh, because Kendra lasted such a long time as a slayer?" Buffy snapped. She shook her head quickly, still blinking rapidly. "They can't_ do_ that, Giles, she could wake up at any time! You said she should be able to physically, you said she's improving- and I know if she did, it wouldn't be like before,_ she_ wouldn't be like before. In my dreams- she, she isn't-"

"They won't give her that opportunity to awaken on her own," Giles broke in quietly. "They won't give her a chance to display any personal changes she might have made."

"Well they _have_ to!" Buffy blurted, glaring at her former Watcher fiercely. "They _have_ to, Giles, we have to make them somehow! We have to stop them- how else could I live with myself?"

Her voice dropped abruptly, and her face sank in on itself with such vulnerability and sadness that Giles frowned in concern, reaching a hand for her shoulder.

"I was the one who hurt her, Giles... I was the one who made her like she is now. She's my responsibility. I can't let them kill her," she said, her voice a near whisper.

Giles stood as well, still gripping her shoulder. "Buffy... that night, what happened... it was not your fault. You did what you felt you had to do."

"But what I felt I had to do was wrong," Buffy said softly, the pain stark in her hazel eyes as she looked at Giles grimly. "I nearly killed her, Giles... and what's more, I was willing to. I wanted to. And if they do this to her, I will have. Whatever the Council does to her, it's my fault."

"Buffy-"

She held up a hand, cutting him off as she lowered her eyes, lips pressed firmly together. When Buffy looked back up at Giles, her face was set, her eyes determined; even her posture had straightened.

"We can't let them do this, Giles. We have to stop them. How is it that we can stop them? You told me we have four days until they remove her tubes- we have to stop them!"

"We cannot stop them," Giles said slowly, "that would only bring more trouble down on you than any of us needs to handle now. But if we can reach Faith... if we can draw her out of her coma before then, bring her back to us..."

Buffy frowned at him, not understanding. "How could we possibly do that, Giles? In four days? I've tried. Each time I visited I talked to her, tried to let her know I wanted her to wake up. I've talked to her through dreams... I even had Willow try a spell once, in our dorm, which took a lot of persuading just so you know. She's still kind of leery of the whole Faith-is-changed-in-my-dreams theory. But I tried all that and none of it worked... so how else are we supposed to make her wake up?"

"I was just getting to that," Giles said patiently. "There is a method we might use, a new technology... now, it is unprecedented, and it has had remarkable success before, but it involves great risk. For Faith, and for you as well."

Buffy frowned, cocking her head expectantly. "But...there's something we can do that might help?"

"Yes... there is a city about two hours from Sunnydale; two acclaimed child psychiatrists there have developed an astounding new psychological technique. I have spoken to both of them; their names are Dr. Catherine Dean and Dr. Miriam Kent. They have created a procedure where a person can, using a special room and with special clothes and connectors, be mentally transported into a coma patient's mind. In this way, from what I understand, the person can speak to the coma patient, make her mentally and emotionally as aware of her in her mind as though she were physically awake and interacting. It is a literal joining of two minds; a person is truly inside the coma patient's mind and will perceive herself to physically be inside her mental word, though both physical bodies would remain grounded in the reality of our world here. Therefore a person can make meaningful connections to the comatose person and perhaps draw her out of her state."

Giles met Buffy's eyes, measuring her reaction, as Buffy held herself very still. She already felt her heart beat quickening, hope rising in her chest. This procedure sounded extremely complicated and difficult to understand- but if it would help Faith, bring her back...

"I thought that such a procedure would work well with you and Faith, Buffy," Giles went on slowly. "What with your shared slayer bond and your dreams... it should be easy enough to transfer you inside her mind, more so than the average person. Normally civilians would never be allowed to do such a procedure; normally, only Dr. Dean would be allowed to do so. But I have spoken with her and explained the circumstances, the relationship between you two as slayers, and she is willing to let you try. I honestlybelieve that no other could forge such a connection with Faith in so short a time, could have a chance of reaching her as you could, Buffy. But much personal and mental risk would be involved. What might happen to you inside another person's mind, especially Faith's, even while you maintain control... you must seriously think on this."

"Thought on it," Buffy said quickly. "Let's do it."

She stood up, as if she were heading straight out the door right then and there, but then turned at her sudden thought.

"Giles... are they coming to us, these doctors? You said they're two hours away... and what about that special room and stuff you mentioned?"

Giles frowned slowly. "No, Buffy... we would have to go to them. We would have to take Faith to them."

Buffy's brow furrowed. "How? She's kind of not moveable, that's kinda what a coma does to you... plus there's the whole Big Council Is Watching You deal. And the doctors..."

Giles watched her, waiting for it to dawn on her. "Well, my dear, that's where some of the risks begin to first occur..."


	4. Chapter 4

"Cut" by Plumb

I'm not a stranger  
No I am yours  
With crippled anger  
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged  
Is misery  
And when our hearts meet  
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut

I may seem crazy  
Or painfully shy  
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden  
If you would just look me in the eye  
I feel alone here and cold here  
Though I don't want to die  
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut  
Pain  
I am not alone  
I am not alone

Chapter 4

"Okay, I still don't think I've got this straight..." Xander Harris muttered as Giles's car pulled into the Sunnydale Hospital parking lot. His forehead was scrunched into a troubled frown; beside him in the backseat, Willow Rosenberg's face was also apprehensive. "We're going to break Faith out of the hospital to do some weird mind thing that will put you in her head... so you can wake her up... and so the Council doesn't kill her off... right so far?"

"Yep," Buffy said briefly, barely glancing back at him from her position in the front seat beside Giles. Already she could feel the tension building in her muscles, the nervous adrenalized energy pulsing in her veins as she took a deep breath, attempting to settle herself.

"Okay, that, that's cool, besides the breaking the law bits, which we're all used to by now anyway... but the head thing... what if something happens, Buff? I mean, this is _Faith's_ head we're talking about... is it really safe to poke around in there? And what if all that's okay, but when she wakes up, she's... you know, evil?" Xander asked with more than a trace of nervousness. "Don't forget she tried to choke me... and she tried to kill Willow... and she _did_ kill a few people. And now that you killed the mayor... I mean, she might be just a _little_ bit ticked, Buff. Not to sound harsh- or wimpish, definitely no wimp-guy talk here- but are you sure we even _want_ her to wake up?"

"Yeah, Buffy, he does have a point," Willow piped up quietly, looking at Buffy a little nervously, as though expecting a explosion. "And, and I don't think we should discount the illegal breaking-the-law part too hastily either."

Buffy could feel herself gritting her teeth as she forced herself to breathe slowly, forced herself to force down the anger and impatience that her friends' comments had shot up to the surface in her. They can't help it, she told herself, taking a deep breath, they just don't understand...

"Xander... Will... the Council is going to let her die. They are basically going to _kill_ Faith. If it was _me_ in a coma- if it was _me_ that they wanted to let starve to death- would you just let them do it without trying to stop it?"

Both Xander and Willow's eyes widened at that thought.

"Well, NO, Buffy, of course not-"

"Well I can't let them do that to Faith," Buffy cut them off, looking first Xander, then Willow, in the eye firmly. "I _won't_ let them."

"Buffy... I get what you're saying, how you feel about this, really," Willow said timidly. "But... Xander has a point. What if she wakes up and goes into... well, into Angry Killer Faith mode again?"

"If she did... then we'd deal with it. I'd deal with it. I'd stop her, help her," Buffy replied still looking into Willow's uncomfortable eyes. "But I don't think she will. She helped us, Will... without her, I wouldn't have realized how to defeat the Mayor. And I told you... I've dreamed about her since. And she's not evil. I don't think she ever was. I think... I think she was confused. Hurt, angry... and I think she's sorry now. I don't think she'd hurt anyone. And even if she wanted to... once she wakes up, she'll probably not be in any shape to for a while."

Willow frowned for a while longer before sighing softly. "I guess you're right..."

"We'll do for Faith whatever it is she needs," Giles spoke up quietly, and Buffy was not sure if he was addressing Willow, her, or all three of them. "Now, and when and if she awakens."

The four were quiet for a few moments, but then Xander spoke up, still frowning.

"Okay... so can we get through the plan one more time? Sorry, my brain is not exactly large and sponge-like like Willow's here. Repeats are needed and welcome."

"Okay," Buffy sighed, preparing herself to run through the plan once again. "Willow, Xander, you go to the front desk to sign in as visitors to Faith. You've never gone to see her before, so they won't remember you as being familiar, probably. If Giles and I went to see her and she disappeared, what with us being previous visitors and all, they'd definitely connect the dots. Not that they probably won't anyway, or at least the Council will-"

She stopped herself, taking a deep breath; she was rapidly sliding into Willow-babble, a sign of her nervousness. They really didn't have time for that.

"So, you two check in as visitors Xander, you find Faith's room and open the window to let me and Giles. Willow, there's a storage closet two doors down from Faith's room. You get extra sets of scrubs for Giles and me and bring them to Faith's room in your backpack for me and Giles to change into. Then Giles and I will unhook Faith's tubes until we can get her to Dr. Dean and Dr. Kent. We'll either pass her out the window and carry her to the car, or carry her down the hall and out an exit door on that floor. That will depend on the people-walking-around situation. Willow, you'll stay in the hall as a lookout, and Xander, you'll stay in Faith's room and act as lookout there. Once we've got her in the car we'll drive by her window and signal to Xander, and he can get Willow and get in with us. Okay? Everyone got it?" Buffy asked somewhat abruptly. She just wanted to get a move on, put their admittedly risky plan into action before her doubts got the best of her.

"Uh... yeah, think I got it that time," Xander said, though apprehension and uncertainty was still clear in his features.

"Good... then let's go."

Buffy started to climb out of the car, but Willow's hesitant voice made her pause.

"Buffy... what if this goes wrong? What if someone sees us?"

Buffy turned to regard her, giving a crooked little smile.

"Then we kick ass and run."

Buffy fidgeted in her seat, sighing again as she glanced at her wrist, realizing for the sixth time that she was not, in fact, wearing a watch.

"Giles, how much time has passed now?" she asked, her voice clearly reflecting her tension and impatience.

"Four minutes," Giles replied in a tone that just barely held onto its patience. "And Buffy, I assure you that I will let you know when the ten minutes are up before we can go find Faith's window."

Buffy sighed again, flicking back her hair from her shoulders restlessly. "Is it just me or is time standing still? Do you think there's any curses or evil beings lurking about?"

Giles did not reply; instead, he put a hand on Buffy's shoulder as he looked into her eyes, giving her a reassuring, fatherly squeeze that conveyed to her his caring, but also his shared tension. Buffy exhaled slowly, forcing a smile at him. It was just that there was so much that could go wrong... and it couldn't. It just couldn't. No way could she let it...

It seemed to her an eternity before Giles announced that the ten minutes were up, before they could pile out of his car and begin to approach the hospital. For a few moments Buffy panicked, unable to remember on what side of the hospital Faith's room was. She only remembered that it was on the ground floor, and that it had a fairly large window. She was about to say that to Giles when he gently took her by the arm, steering her to the left of the hospital, towards its back.

"You're not the only one who's visited her, Buffy," he said quietly, and there was an odd flicker of emotion in his eyes that Buffy could not identify. She could tell from his voice, however, that she was no the only one feeling guilt where Faith was concerned either...

It wasn't too difficult to find Faith's room from the outside; it was the only one whose window was open, and it also was the only one with Xander's head sticking out from it, obviously looking for them. He grinned in obvious relief as he saw them approaching.

"There you are! I waas wondering when you were coming... it's kind of weird being alone in here with her," he said with both guilt and nerves coloring his tone as he looked back at Faith in a quick little glance. "She's so still, and quiet..."

"She's in a coma, Xander, that's what coma patients are like," Buffy said dryly as she drew even with the window, cupping her hands and motioning for Giles to step up onto them. Xander moved to help pull the older man up into the room, but his expression was still uneasy as Giles stepped inside and Buffy went to pull herself up.

"It's... it's just weird,"he said quietly, his face troubled. "Seeing her like that."

Having pulled herself in through the window, Buffy looked at Xander with a soft understanding that also reflected a sadness that tried to repress.

"I know," she told him quietly, "I know."

Almost having to brace herself to do it, she looked over at Faith in her bed, then made herself walk over to stand beside her. She swallowed, her mouth dry, her throat suddenly feeling as though a thickness was lining its insides as she looked down at her. She could never truly prepare herself for th actuality of seeing personally the completley helpless state that Faith was in- the state that Buffy had put her into...

She didn't know if Faith really did look paler and thinner than the last time she had seen her, or if she was projecting her imagination onto her. She did notice that, as still and strangely sunken as Faith's face was, the cut and bruised appearance it had once displayed was gone, as she imagined the bandages that had covered her stab wound must be as well. Buffy wondered how bad of a scar Faith's abdomen displayed briefly, but then hurriedly skipped her mind past that morbid and painful musing.

She could sense Giles coming to stand behind her, Xander watching them both with unconcealed interest, as she took Faith's hand, wanting to flinch at its coldness and limpness in her fingers. Buffy squeezed it lightly, determinedly keeping her eyes on Faith's face as she concentrated on keeping her voice even.

"Hi, Faith... we're going to help you, okay? Just hang on."

"Do you think she hears you?" Xander asked, his voice hushed.

Buffy glanced over her shoulder at him, still holding Faith's hand.

"I don't know," she admitted. "But I hope so..."


	5. Chapter 5

"Somebody help me" by Full Blown Rose

I'm being haunted by a whisper  
A chill comes over me  
I've been trapped inside this moment  
I'm not a victim, I'm not a freak

Chorus:  
Free me  
before I slip away  
Heal me  
wake me from this day  
Can somebody help me?

I've seen the face of my affliction  
of my reality  
I'm being tortured by the future  
of things that are yet to be  
I'm being haunted by a vision  
it's like the morning never comes  
I feel the burden of confusion  
always searching... on the run

Chorus

Now, I'm not a hero... no  
but the weight of the world's is on my soul  
these imagines burn my eyes  
they're burning me up inside

Chapter 5

Just then the door opened, and they looked up to see Willow slipping inside with an anxious glance over her shoulder, her face flushed. She hurriedly slipped her backpack off her shoulders, sliding it across the room toward Buffy and Giles.

"That was... that, that was so nerve-wracking," she said almost breathlessly, exhaling in a loud, visible sigh, her shoulders sagging almost comically. "I thought I was done for. Buffy, I am NOT a good spy, I'm NOT good at the whole sneaky-thieving-liar bit, that was very, very hard!"

"Why, what happened, Will?" Buffy asked, her brow furrowing as she turned toward her friend. Looking at Buffy, Willow seemed to realize for the first time that her friend was still holding her sister slayer's hand with an absent yet obviously caring gentleness Buffy seemed unconscious of. The redhead's eyes widened, then narrowed as she looked from Buffy to Faith's joined hands to Buffy's face quickly, seeming uncomfortable, even a little angry. But when her eyes flickered over to Faith, her face froze a little, a startled near dismay filling her eyes. Willow, like Xander, had not until then seen Faith in her coma, and it appeared that the sight shook her more than she'd anticipated.

Her eyes kept flitting back unwillingly to Faith with a blend of guilt, shame, and morbid fascination as she tried to focus her attention back to Buffy, to answer her question.

"Someone, someone saw me when I was coming out of the storage closet. I think she was a nurse or something, she had that sort of uniform on, and one of those suspicious, very authoritative and intimidating looks that make you feel like you're in the sixth grade again and worried you'll be expelled because you snapped a rubber band at Susie Winkler. Did you ever get that worried when a teacher gave you lunch detention, Buffy? I used to be so terrified of getting lunch detention-"

"Willow, I WAS expelled. Twice. Once for burning down the gym," Buffy said dryly, and with more than a little impatience. "But she saw you? What did she do? You- you did get the scrubs, didn't you? Willow?"

"Yeah, I've got them, I already had put them in my backpack," Willow reassured her hastily. "Luckily. I'd barely gotten it zipped up and opened that door and that nurse lady was standing there very scary-like. I about needed a cardiologist right then and there."

"What?" Xander asked blankly, and Giles answered with slight impatience, "I believe she is using a hyperbole to demonstrate that she was startled. Do go on, Willow."

"What's a cardiologist, is what I meant," Xander muttered as Willow continued.

"So I'm coming out of the storage closet all blushing and guilty and caught red-handed, and she just gives me this LOOK. I thought at first she must have seen me taking the scrubs, but that was impossible because they were in my backpack and the door was closed. But then I realized that she probably thought I was with a guy in there or something, that I was making out in the STORAGE CLOSET of a HOSPITAL! Who would DO that- what kind of skanky girl would let a guy make out with her in a CLOSET?!"

"Wow, yeah, what kind?" Xander said, his voice just a little too loud and forced. Buffy cut her eyes over at his struggling-to-stay-straight face, trying to hold back a grin.

"What did you say?" she asked Willow, walking over to the backpack and unzipping it. Withdrawing the two sets of scrubs, she tossed one to Giles and began to slip the other on over her clothes.

"I have no idea. I started saying something about looking for a bathroom and I went off in the other direction until she was gone. Then I came here... NERVE-WRACKING," Willow repeated, exhaling again.

Her eyes flitting to Faith again with clear unease before she snapped her attention back to Buffy, she said, "Uh, there was some empty wheelchairs down the hall... I was thinking, maybe it would be easier to put Faith in one of those, if the coast is clear and all. Sorry I didn't get it for you, I just kinda got freaked out a little..."

"I'll get it, Willow-I'm dressed now, it will look less suspicious," Giles assured her, walking to the door. "Using a wheelchair is a very practical idea."

As he stepped into the doorway, Willow's eyes returned, as if she weren't quit able to help herself, back to Faith's prone form, and she grimaced slightly.

"It... she's so still," she said in a slightly hushed tone, seeming ashamed somehow of her words or perhaps her inability to keep from looking at the comatose slayer in the hospital bed. She was unknowingly echoing Xander's earlier words. "I-I didn't think it would be so weird to, to see her like this..."

Going to stand by Faith again, Buffy touched her cheek, softly caressing it with her fingertips.

"She won't be for much longer," she said quietly, but with a determination meant to convince herself as much as the other two. "She won't be... we'll bring her back. I'LL bring her back."

For a few moments the three were silent, seeming to be bracing themselves for their task... but then Xander spoke up hesitantly.

"Uh, not to be off topic or break up the moment or anything... but did anyone else know that Faith's last name was Lehane?"

The two girls followed his gaze to the hospital chart hanging over Faith's bed, and Buffy felt guilt and shame twist her insides once again. The truth was, that she hadn't... she'd never bothered to ask. Even when she'd come to see Faith those few times in the hospital, she'd avoided looking at her chart, too afraid to read about the damage she'd caused in her in cold, black and white print.

She wondered how the hospital had known to put Faith's last name. Maybe Giles had known... maybe Giles had told them...

As if on cue with her thoughts, Giles came in just then, pushing one of the wheelchairs Willow had mentioned.

"I suppose we're ready now," he said as he wheeled it over to Faith's bedside. "Buffy, in just a moments, if you'll help me lift her and get her settled in this... Willow, if you could go back out in the hall again and watch for us, it would be appreciated."

Nodding, giving a last uncomfortable, slightly troubled glance in Faith's direction, Willow exited the room to go stand once more in the hallway. The others waited for a few moments, giving her time to settle herself and give warning if someone was coming- although, Buffy realized suddenly, they had never exactly decided on what Willow or any of the rest of them would do if someone DID try to enter Faith's room. She quickly pushed that thought aside; there was no use looking for trouble when it was so sure to come on its own.

"This should be a rather simple matter," Giles murmured as he began to closely examine Faith's feeding tube and hydration tubes and the machines they were connected to. "Yes, they appear quite easy to remove. First, I suppose I should take the tape off... like this, yes, this seems right... and now..."

He let his words trail off as he took the tubes from their fixed positions, as Buffy hovered near him apprehensively, her mouth dry, and even Xander watched nervously. The first two tubes were removed fairly quickly and efficiently, though glucose began to drip from them onto the blanket. Giles quickly set them down, undoing the third as he inclined his head at Buffy.

"Oh dear, I forgot to turn the machine off... Buffy, would you-"

He had barely gotten the words out, barely slid the third and final tube from Faith's body, when a loud, shrill beeping filled the room, causing all three of its conscious occupants to jump in shock and horror. Xander actually let out a shrill sound that was nearly a scream.

"Oh god, what the hell was that?!" he cried shakily, his eyes darting in panic to the machine that had been providing Faith with nourishment- the machine that was now beeping nonstop in a very loud, very conspicuous and alarming constancy.

"Oh no, oh god, they're going to come in, what's it doing, what's wrong? What did you do, Giles? What's wrong, what is it doing this for?!" Buffy shouted over the machine's noise, her eyes wide and frantic, 

darting from the machine to its steadily dripping tubes to Giles to Faith, who seemed to show no change in expression or body despite the noise and her new absence of feeding tubes.

"Bloody hell, I didn't turn the bloody thing off first!" Giles yelled back, and he almost sprinted over to it, messing hurriedly with one of the controls. The noise and the dripping cut off, but as he turned back toe them quickly, it was obvious that this had not dispelled any of the three's panic.

"What's going on- what was that? What if someone heard?" Xander began, but Buffy interrupted, her questions hitting Giles fast and aggressively.

"Giles, is she okay? Is Faith okay?! What did you do, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" Buffy asked with an intensity that matched the fierce fear and wild almost-anger in her eyes. She looked torn between equal urges to run and to kill or at least badly injure something- or someone. She barely noticed Xander looking her over quickly and anxiously, as if her tone scared him.

"She's fine, Buffy, at least immediately so," Giles said quickly. "But if we don't get her out of here right away... that was the alarm on the machine, I'm afraid I forgot about it, didn't even think... it alerts the nurses if her tubes were to be accidentally pulled out. They may arrive at any minute- we must act now to move her."

For a moment Buffy's face stiffened, and she seemed unable to respond in any way to Giles's words. But after a few seconds her eyes narrowed, focused, and she straightened her spine, beginning once more to take control of the situation.

"Xander, get Willow and leave out the hall exit- RUN. If you get to the car before us, drive to meet us wherever we are- we're going out the window. Go, now!"

Xander only hesitated for a second before hurrying, stumbling, towards the door- only to almost be smacked against the wall with it when Willow threw it open, rushing inside. Barely noticing Xander's shocked gasp to having been nearly flattened against the wall, Willow's eyes flew between Giles and Buffy, huge and glistening with panic.

"What WAS that, what was that noise, someone's gonna come-"

"Willow, get out of here, you and Xander both, out the hall exit!" Buffy shouted, and Willow blinked in confusion.

"Buffy, but-"

"GO, NOW!" Buffy nearly yelled, and Willow turned hurriedly, stumbling rapidly down the hall with Xander on her heels. Buffy turned to Giles then.

"I'm boosting you out the window again, and I'll hand Faith down to you. If I can get out in time, I'll take her- if not, you take her to the car, and I'll meet you back there, okay?"

Giles didn't reply verbally, but rather went before the window. Buffy boosted him up again, not waiting to hear him drop to the ground before she returned to Faith's side. She bent to lift her gently beneath her knees and shoulders, holding her as carefully and closely to her as a baby as she carried her quickly to the window, even supporting the younger slayer's head on her shoulder.

Faith's body was limp against hers, warm, but not as heated as it had been when she was well and conscious, as Buffy had been accustomed to feeling. Even in her hurried, focused state, Buffy couldn't help but notice with some worry how light and small she felt, as if she were gradually losing muscle tone- which she no doubt was- or else gradually losing solidity as she slowly faded out of life. Whatever it was, feeling Faith's fragile from discomfited Buffy even more than she had been already.

Buffy lifted Faith up over the window sill as carefully as was possible, transferring her awkwardly into Giles's outstretched arms. She waited, still partly holding the unmoving girl as she anxiously made sure that Giles had hold of her. Once he had Faith securely in his arms and had assured Buffy of this, tersely urging her to hurry through the window, Buffy began to hoist herself up... only to hear the door open behind her as a nurse rushed into the room.


	6. Chapter 6

"Drive you home" by Garbage

It's funny how  
Even now  
You still support me after all of the things that I've done  
You're so good to me  
Waiting patiently  
And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care?

I never said I was perfect  
But I can take you away

Walk on shells tonight  
Can't do right tonight  
And you can't say a word  
Cause I leap down your throat  
So uptight am I

I never said I was perfect  
But I can drive you home

I got down on myself  
Working too hard  
Driving myself to death  
Trying to beat out the faults in my head  
What a mess I've made  
Sure we all make mistakes  
But they see me so large that they think I'm immune to the pain

Walk on shells tonight  
Can't do right tonight  
And you can't say a word  
Cause I leap down your throat  
So uptight am I

I'm praying for a miracle  
But I won't hold my breath  
I never said I was perfect  
But can you take me home

Chapter 6

"What- who are YOU, what are YOU doing here?" the nurse cried out in shock, her eyes darting from Buffy halfway out the window to Faith's empty bed, the unhooked feeding tubes scattered. The nurse 

started towards the bed with her mouth open, patting foolishly at the rumpled blankets, as though she might find that Faith had somehow managed to evade her sight and was simply hiding under them.

Buffy's heart leapt into her throat, and she jumped to the ground beneath the window, her only thought being, oh shit...

As she landed on her feet, barely feeling the impact on her legs, she began to run to catch up with Giles, who had, surprisingly enough, taken her advice- or rather, command- and began to run with Faith towards his car. She could hear the nurse, nearly yelling, "Where is she, oh my god, what did that girl do to her?!"

And then the woman was sticking her head out the window, screaming after them as they ran, "You can't do this, you can't take her like that! I'm calling security!"

"Oh shit," Buffy swore out loud, reaching Giles's side. "Give her to me, Giles, go, I'll be faster carrying her, just get the car and come get us..."

Giles glanced at her quickly, seeming to hesitate, to want to argue, but knowing the truth of her words. He handed Faith over to his former slayer, running ahead of her. Cradling Faith close, vaguely aware of the girl's slow, steady heartbeat so close to her own wild, rapid one, Buffy ran, seeing Willow and Xander coming towards them as well and not allowing herself the luxury of feeling relief.

The four of them reached Giles's car at roughly the same time; they piled in quickly, Giles in the driver's seat, Willow up front beside him, and Xander scrambling in the back. Buffy was slower getting into the back with him, trying to manipulate Faith into the vehicle without bumping her against anything or dropping her. Once Buffy had seated herself inside, she adjusted Faith in her arms, sitting her in her lap in such a way that she was mostly upright, slumped limply against her, her head on Buffy's shoulder. Buffy wrapped an arm securely around the seemingly oblivious slayer's waist, thinking to herself distractedly that Faith's head against her shoulder felt like the heaviest part of her.

"Do you have her, Buffy?" Giles asked quickly, his voice still tense, and when Buffy nodded, he went on, "Then everybody hang on tight..."

He floored it, speeding out of the hospital parking lot just as two uniformed officers ran out of the hospital's entrance. Willow looked back at them anxiously, her freckled face paler than normal; both she and Xander were panting slightly.

"You don't think they got our license plate number, do you?"

"Nah, not from that distance, unless they've got slayer sight," Xander told her reassuringly, though he too glanced back at the increasingly distant figures nervously. "Whoa, G-Man, I didn't know you could drive like that..."

"I was once a teenager as well, Xander, whether or not you believe so," Giles muttered dryly as he continued to manipulate the car at a much faster speed than Buffy would have believed him to be capable of on another day.

"Sometimes I'd believe not on that one, almost," Xander muttered. "That... that was extremely close."

"Uh, I said before, that getting the scrubs was nerve-wracking..." Willow ventured almost breathlessly. "I was wrong. THIS was nerve-wracking. THAT was like checking my e-mail in comparison. You- what if they track us down? What will they do to us?" she asked worriedly.

"Well, we can't worry about that now," Buffy said grimly. "They saw us... but they didn't see us all together, and they don't know our names or where we live. Not that this would be awfully hard to find out, especially if the Council sticks their noses into this, which they will, I'm sure. They never can resist a good life-messing... and you and Xander at least gave false names as visitors, right?"

"Yep," Xander said with a hint of pride. "Jim Bond- like James, get it? And Willow was Alyson Hannigan. Don't ask me where she got THAT one."

"It was the first name that popped into my head, okay?" Willow said defensively. "Better than JIM BOND! I could totally be an Alyson!"

"Well then we can't worry right now," Buffy repeated, purposely cutting off their pointless sniping. "We got out, that's all that matters... and we got Faith out. Now we've just got to get her to where she needs to be."

She looked down at the brunette in her lap, feeling faintly the weakened pulse of their slayer bond from their physical contact. Her stomach twisted even more fiercely at the faintness of what had once felt so strong and steady whenever they touched, or even just when they were near each other. Their instinctive connection was weak now, fragile, as Faith was... and that, even more than the girl's stillness, saddened Buffy.

She smoothed Faith's hair back from her face, realizing that her hands were shaking slightly, her heart still pounding. It was as if now that Buffy was in less immediate danger, she could allow herself to freak out a little. She shifted Faith slightly against her, trying to adjust the girl so she was lying more naturally and comfortably against her.

Buffy could feel Xander's eyes on her before he spoke up, his voice almost hushed, concerned, yet hesitant.

"Buff... you're okay, right? And Faith... she's okay too?"

Buffy turned her head towards him, feeling Faith's soft hair brush her cheek and jaw; she smoothed the girl's hair back again as she replied.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Xander," she said quietly, keeping her hand against the side of Faith's head. "And she'll be fine too once we get her there."

She lowered her voice to a near whisper, tucking Faith's hair behind her ear as she moved her lips close to it, never mind Willow's and Xander's sharp, startled glances.

"You'll be fine, Faith," she told her quietly, hoping fervently that Faith could hear her. "You're going to be fine."

Giles dropped off both Xander and Willow at the college, and then he and Buffy began to make the drive to the doctors' lab in near silence. Though both Xander and Willow had protested at first that they wanted to come, when it was pointed out that all they could do was watch Buffy and Faith's 

motionless bodies, for an unknown amount of time, possibly many hours, they had grudgingly agreed to stay behind. In a way, Buffy was glad that they were not coming along as well; it would be two people less to worry about or detract her attention away from whatever she might have to do inside Faith's mind.

When both had left the car, Buffy gently moved Faith so that her body was stretched, partly curled up, across the backseat, her head and shoulders lying in Buffy's lap. Buffy anchored her firmly in place with an arm wrapped vertically across Faith's arms and chest.

As the hours passed, Buffy tried to keep herself focused on what lay ahead, on the fact that she was helping Faith, saving her, in essence... but she couldn't help but worry, feeling her insides cramp with guilt and anxiety as she stared down at Faith's still features. She worried about having removed Faith's feeding tubes, even temporarily; the younger girl was already so thin, and with her fast slayer metabolism, what if Buffy was already inadvertently allowing her to starve? She found herself checking Faith's pulse, her breathing, with her own breath bated.

One time she saw Faith's eyes move under their lids, and she stiffened slightly in Buffy's arms... Buffy's heart jumped, and she watched her excitedly, expecting Faith to wake up, right then and there, even to speak to her...

But she hadn't. Faith had gone limp again, even as her eyes twitched again, and Buffy's heart had sank with disappointment.

8


	7. Chapter 7

**"Hide" by Creed**

To what do I owe this gift my friend?  
My life, my love, my soul?  
I've been dancing with the devil way too long  
And it's making me grow old  
Making me grow old

Let's leave...oh let's get away  
Get lost in time  
Where there's no reason left to hide  
Let's leave...oh let's get away  
Run in fields of time  
Where there's no reason left to hide  
No reason to hide

What are you going to do with your gift dear child?  
Give life, give love, give soul?  
Divided is the one who dances  
For the sould is so exposed  
So exposed

Chapter 8

Buffy tugged at the tight, yet stretchy red bodysuit clinging to every inch of her from the neck down, feeling somehow, even knowing she was fully dressed, as if she were nearly naked. The outfit was almost like a scuba diving wetsuit or something; it had taken her a while to figure out how to pull and wiggle herself into a skin-tight outfit with no zippers, buttons, or ties to help her out.

Her eyes drifted through the large window separating the specialized transferral room that Faith was in, that Buffy would soon be in, and the control center room that Buffy, Giles, Dr. Dean, Dr. Kent, and another man were currently standing in. The transferral room was large and nearly empty, with stainless steel walls and floors. Buffy didn't know if all the steel served a purpose, or if they just wanted it to look cool and futuristic. The only two items in the room were two metal, table-like things- also like a morgue slab, or a doctor's examining table- and hooked above them, cables and wires, pulleys that could lift the table, or whoever lay down upon it, and suspend it in midair.

Faith was lying on one of the two metal tables, also dressed in one of the red bodysuits like the once currently causing Buffy such discomfort. The suit's clinginess made each slow breath of hers very visible with the rise and fall of her chest. Buffy found herself staring at it, almost hypnotized by this affirmation of Faith's livelihood. She wondered who had dressed her; certainly not Giles, with all his flusterment about young girls and anything having to do with their sexuality. Actually with most females and their sexuality in general...

Dr. Dean and Dr. Kent- or Catherine and Miriam, as they insisted on being called to Giles's further discomfort, had re-hooked Faith up to a feeding and hydration tube, once Buffy expressed her concern about Faith's high metabolism. She was not yet certain how much they knew- both about the situation and circumstances revolving around the necessity of this treatment and Faith's strange arrival at their lab, or about Buffy's and Faith's statuses as slayers. But they had asked few questions, gave few looks of surprise or confusion since Buffy and Giles had arrived, carrying Faith with them. Buffy suspected that either Giles knew and was connected with them in more ways than she had originally thought, or else Catherine and Miriam had dealt with too many strange and unusual things in their own line of work to be thrown much by whatever Buffy might bring to their attention.

"Buffy?" Catherine called out to her, and Buffy turned her head towards the older woman, raising an eyebrow questioningly as she approached. While Miriam was a petite, slender African-American, Catherine was a taller, voluptuous Latina with curly hair and a gentle smile.

"I'm going to go ahead and insert the implant in your hand, okay?" she told her, and Buffy realized that Catherine was holding a metal clamping device in her hand that looked rather like a larger and more powerful hole puncher. "You may want to look away, there will be a momentary sharp pain, as it's so close to the bones and nerves of your hand."

Buffy wasn't worried about the pain; she had slayer strength and tolerance on her side. Still, she hesitated as she held out her right hand, allowing the other woman to take it and position the clamping device over it.

"This- is it a permanent thing, this implant?" she asked a bit apprehensively. "Because it's fine for right now and everything, but can it do something outside of this procedure too?"

"No, no, this can easily be removed once the procedure is underway," Catherine assured her with a warm smile. "Are you ready? Okay then, hold your hand steady for me."

Buffy felt a sharp pinching sensation, and it was over as soon as it had begun- a small, square chip was now embedded into the back of her hand. She examined it with some interest, wanting to touch it, but wary of doing so.

"Now, I know we've gone over this before, but I'm asking you to let me tell you again, just to make sure you've got it all," Catherine told her, looking Buffy in the eye carefully, searchingly. "To be honest, I'm not very comfortable with this. It has usually been me who has performed this method, and if not me, another experienced doctor. Never have we even considered sending in an inexperienced non-professional, and especially not a young girl- even a girl who is apparently as remarkable as you are," she said, softening her words with a smile. "It's mostly because of Mr. Giles's persuasion, and our trust in him, that we even agreed to consider this," she went on, inclining her head in Giles's direction.

He flushed, his eyes flitting away quickly. "Er, thank you... Catherine... and it is quite all right for, for you to call me Rupert. You too," he added hastily, seeming even more flustered as he glanced in Miriam's direction as well. She just smiled knowingly and with some amusement, as did Buffy. Whether or not Giles knew Catherine very well, it was obvious that he found he attractive.

"Yes, Rupert, then. You see, Buffy, we have also never done this between two people who have shared a personal connection or even acquaintance before. With me, or Miriam, or any of the others who have done this, it has always been with a stranger. We were therefore required to form a relationship with the person in question before we could make them feel safe or able to come back. You already have a relationship with Faith... and this can work to your advantage or to your disadvantage, depending on your approach and her receptiveness. In some ways it may be even harder to get her to trust you and accept your presence in her mind than if you were a stranger... but on the other hand, knowing her beforehand may enable you to understand and reach her more quickly. However, whatever you think you know of her... no one can ever truly know or understand another person, without knowing their thoughts, their dreams... and their memories," Catherine told her quietly. Buffy saw the troubled, pained look flash across her eyes, perhaps at memories of her own.

"What you see in Faith's mind, Buffy... you need to be prepared for anything."

"Is it... is it not just her thoughts and memories?" Buffy asked uneasily. "I mean, that's just- shouldn't..."

"Sometimes, yes- sometimes the person has vivid dreams, even fantasies. What you need to remember, Buffy, is that they are not real. Even the memories- they may have once happened, but they are no longer. They are over, and they are no longer real outside the person's mind. They can cause you no harm, unless you forget that," Catherine told her seriously, her eyes somber as she looked at Buffy. "And they can't harm her either... at least, not physically. You HAVE to remember that, Buffy. If you let yourself forget, all kinds of damage can be done to you- mentally, emotionally, even physically."

"How?" Buffy asked quickly, looking from Giles's frown to Catherine in discomfort. "I thought you said none of it was real, that it can't hurt me, so what do you mean I could be physically damaged?"

"It's true that you cannot be harmed- only if you REMEMBER that you can't," Catherine explained. "If you remember that none of it is real, Buffy, then you'll be fine. But if you begin to forget, and something happens to harm you in Faith's mind... then your mind will believe that your body has been harmed. What I'm trying to say is... if you believe that everything that happens to your body in Faith's mind is happening to your body here, then in essence you may project it onto yourself in real life... and you could be badly hurt, or even die."

She paused, allowing her heavy statement to sink in, and Buffy's heart began to hammer, her mouth going pasty even as her hands felt clammy with cold sweat. She looked at Giles, seeing that he was beginning to clear his classes rapidly, looking more rattled even than she herself felt.

"If that begins to happen, though, Buffy, it will show up on the screen here, on these scans of your brain. We would have to pull you from Faith's mind and not allow you to return. And these are also used in much the same way, though not for quite the same purpose," Catherine said, touching the chip on Buffy's hand. "As I told you before, if at any point inside Faith's mind you feel that your grip on reality is beginning to slip, then you can press this implanted chip, and you will be brought back from her mind. Now if you do this, though, Buffy, we will have to really think about sending you back in again. Do you understand? Or else Miriam and I would have to try our hands at it... but from what I understand, both you and Mr.- Rupert- seem to think that you have a better chance at reaching Faith then we would have."

"Yes," Buffy replied slowly, "Yes, I do."

She took a deep breath, looking each person with her in the eye one by one, feeling a twinge at the equal measure of pride and worry in Giles's.

"I understand the risks... and I"ll take them. Let's get this started."

"Okay, then," Catherin said quietly, "let's go."

Buffy followed her and Miriam into the transferal room, climbing onto the metal table opposite Faith and lying down. Her eyes rolled to the side, checking the brunette nervously as Catherine and Miriam began to hook both girls up to several connectors, attaching them together. Buffy could hear even above the noise of the doctors' movements the faint sound of Faith's breathing, slow, slightly raspy; somehow it gave her a measure of comfort. She could feel the cold metal of the table through her bodysuit and wondered if Faith could too. Could Faith feel anything at all?

"All set," Miriam announced as she and Catherine straightened. "Here goes..."

Buffy was aware of them leaving the room, taking their place behind the window of the other room. She could not move her head up enough to see, but she knew that Giles must be watching her intently.

I'm okay, she wanted to tell him, it's Faith we need to worry about... but she couldn't in that moment have relayed her thoughts.

Suddenly she felt the table beneath her sinking down, even as she was rising, weightless, into the air... but she could not panic, because suddenly she was calm, even as she was falling into a dark spiral...


	8. Chapter 8

"Comalies" by Lacuna Coil

Walk on by  
You walk on by

Wondering why

Wandering from you  
Falling at your side  
Wandering from you  
Healing my desire

Stumble in your soul  
Give yourself to me  
Hurting your desire  
Healing mine

Chapter 8

Buffy came into awareness gradually, each detail developing slowly, fuzzy at first, then sharpening, until it all suddenly came together at once, and she remembered it all, could see everything around her. Her first coherent thought was, If none of this is real, then this fake aching I'm feeling does a good job bluffing...

She lifted her head, feeling the muscles of her neck protest. What, had she really fallen? From what- the sky? How- was that a Faith's-mind thing, or did everyone do that, just kind of literally fall into people's heads?

No, Buffy, of course it wasn't a literal fall, she told herself quickly. None of this is real- you can't forget that, Catherine said...

Still... real or not, I feel the pain...

She was in an alley, lying face-down on the filthy ground. The sky was darkening rapidly, the sun going down, and though it appeared to be a city, Buffy could see no one in her initial look around, heard no noises. There were no stars in the sky, and that momentarily concerned Buffy; was it soon going to be completely dark out, no light at all? What was this anyway?

"Okay..." she said aloud to herself, grunting slightly with annoyance at her soreness as she sat up, then got to her feet stiffly. As she brushed herself off, making a face of disgust- the alley floor had been damp and not exactly sanitary- her eyes scanned her surroundings once more, trying to get a sense of her bearings.

It was this second time of looking around, trying to determine whether this alley was a real one that Faith had been to before or a made-up one in her head, that Buffy saw the other person standing in the alley's opening.

She was a young girl, no older than twelve, maybe thirteen or fourteen years old at the most, wearing a beat-up looking jacket and jeans that were torn, stained, and frayed at the hem, bagging on her wiry frame. The girl was standing very still, her face stiff with wariness as she stared hard at Buffy, her brow furrowing. Her body language was defensive, her expression both defiant and challenging... and yet even from her distance Buffy could see the fear frozen in her eyes.

Even without the wavy dark hair and scowling eyes to give her away, the girl's overly confident, yet clearly bluffing tough-girl stance would have made it obvious to Buffy that she was Faith... Faith, from about four or five years ago, before Buffy had ever known her.

Buffy was unsure for a moment, unable to decide what to do. It wasn't like she'd ever really had a plan in the first place. All she had thought about was breaking Faith out of the hospital, getting her to Catherine and Miriam, getting inside her mind so she could bring her out of her coma. What it might be like inside Faith's mind, she had tried not to think about... and she certainly hadn't considered just how she would go about her approach to her, just what she'd do and say that would be enough to bring Faith back to consciousness. Now that she was finally inside Faith's mind, she realized that she felt awkward, uncertain of what she should do or say.

It would have been bad enough had it been the older Faith she had come face to face with, the Faith Buffy had actually known; even then Buffy wouldn't have known what to say. She'd never said or did the right thing where Faith was concerned when she was conscious, that was for sure- or at least not enough to make any difference. What was she supposed to say to a Faith who didn't know her, a Faith who was still just a kid? Who knew what she'd been like then, what she would want or need to hear?

Why was Faith so young here anyway- was it a memory, or just some strange thought or fantasy?

All this flew through Buffy's thoughts in a few quick seconds, and she found herself making a decision without even really thinking about it. She stepped towards the young version of Faith slowly; when the girl's eyes widened, her lanky frame stiffening even further, Buffy paused, not wanting to scare her or incite her into an attack. Why WAS the younger Faith afraid of her- did she recognize Buffy after all? Surely Buffy didn't really look all that threatening, a petite, well-dressed young woman, to some preteen girl...

Buffy didn't move, keeping her eyes on her smaller counterpart and trying to convey with her body language, expression, and face that she was intending her no harm. From the young Faith's expression, she had not set her at ease with her efforts.

"Hey- it's okay," she said softly, looking her in the eyes and trying to keep her voice soothing, and yet not condescending. "I'm not going to do anything to hurt you. I'm here to help you."

Faith remained motionless, but her frown intensified; it almost seemed like she couldn't understand what Buffy was saying, judging from her confused expression. Keeping her voice low, Buffy tried again.

"I know you don't who I am... that's okay, I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I've been sent here to help you. There's a whole lot of people who want to help you, and I'm one of them."

Buffy waited, watching the young girl's face; when Faith still did not reply, only continued to watch her sharply, she slowly took another step towards her.

"My name is Buffy... and you're Faith, aren't you? Faith Lehane?"

As soon as the words left her mouth, Buffy wanted to snatch them back; it was immediately made clear to her that they were the wrong ones to say. As soon as she heard Buffy speak her name, the younger Faith's eyes widened with shock, the defensive wariness in her eyes quickly intensifying into outright panic. Buffy knew a split second before the girl turned that she was about to bolt.

"Faith, wait!" she called quickly, a certain amount of panic creeping into her own voice. "Faith, no, stay here, I'm not going to-"

But it was too late; the preteen had already taken off, running in the awkward, graceless way of a child who had not yet grown into her limbs, and who certainly hadn't yet come into her slayer speed and strength. Regardless, the younger Faith still maintained a speed that was surprising, as if she'd had much practice in running even if she'd never learned how to do so in the most efficient way.

Buffy knew that chasing her was probably not the greatest idea; it certainly wouldn't go very far in convincing the girl that she didn't want to hurt her. But what other choice did she have? She couldn't just let Faith get away, even if she wasn't the Faith Buffy had originally known. It wasn't like Buffy knew 

where to find her, or how to feel her way around Faith's mind alone. She wasn't even sure if she did or didn't know where she was right now, or even if it was a real place at all.

It would have been easy for Buffy to catch up to Faith, to grab hold of her and hold her still while trying to talk to her, to explain, but even with her lack of a plan or idea in how to approach her, Buffy knew that that one was one to avoid. Not only did she not want to freak the girl out any further, she wanted to see where she would choose to go, where Faith might take refuge.

Buffy followed her at a deliberate distance back as the adolescent ran, making her way down an empty run-down section of a city street. Obviously this was a "bad" part of the city, a dangerous area for such a young girl to be in, and yet Faith seemed to know exactly where she was going. Strangely enough, Buffy still had yet to see another person, to hear a sound that had not been made by one of the two of them.

Faith stopped before a weathered, clearly shabby and seedy apartment building, going up the outdoor steps leading out into the street. Buffy followed at a careful distance but sped up a bit; she didn't want to miss whatever room it was Faith was about to go into. She probably lived here, at least in this circumstance in her head... and maybe, just maybe this was where Faith had grown up.

She was making her way down the hallway of the second story when she saw Faith disappear into one of the doors; as she hurried over to it, she could hear the other girl locking the door. As if the flimsy lock and chains in this place with the worn, stained hall carpets and the watermarks on the sagging ceiling would hold up against slayer strength...

Buffy hesitated for a while in the doorway; the thing was that she really didn't want to break into Faith's apartment. The girl was already scared enough as it was; Buffy couldn't seen how kicking her door down would go a ways toward convincing her that she just wanted to help her. Besides, Faith had had enough time now to grab a knife or some other weapon- what if she attacked her? And what about the other people who might be in the apartment right now?

Still... what else could she do? Buffy could think of no other option, and she didn't have much time.

Her body tensing, she braced herself, then kicked the door open with one swift blow. She heard the lock break, and the door swung open, hanging more loosely on its hinges. Buffy's eyes darted about, 

scanning for Faith or any other people, weapon-wielding or not, but as it turned out, she needn't have worried. There was no one standing in the small, shabby living room... the only figure she could see was in the slightly separated tiny kitchen. And judging form that person's height and build, she could not have been more than three years old or so.

Frowning in confusion, Buffy's eyes swept the room again... and still, she saw and heard nothing, nothing but the child in the kitchen, a child who was watching her with solemn yet unafraid brown eyes. The tangled spill of dark curls covering the toddler's head told Buffy that she, too, must be a younger version of Faith... perhaps, Faith as a baby.


	9. Chapter 9

"Wash away those years" by Creed

**"Wash Away Those Years"**

She came calling  
One early morning  
She showed her crown of thorns  
She whispered softly  
To tell a story  
About how she had been wronged  
As she lay lifeless  
He stole her innocence  
And this is how she carried on  
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes  
And just imagined everything's alright  
But she could not hide her tears  
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years  
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent  
But still I'm silent  
When tragedy strikes at home  
I know this decadence Is shared by millions  
Remember you're not alone  
Remember you're not alone

Chapter 9

This... this is just too weird, Buffy thought with more than a little unease as she continued to stare at the toddler in the small, unkempt kitchen. Okay, Faith at thirteen I can handle, even if I don't really get it... but Faith at THREE? How am I supposed to talk to her as a three-year-old? I'm not good with kids, I've never even babysat before!

Still, she began to walk toward the child in the same slow, non-threatening way she had with the older Faith, smiling at her in a way she hoped was neither forced nor scary. Unlike the older girl, Toddler Faith just looked at her seriously, seeming more curious than afraid.

As Buffy drew close to her, she realized that the girl's shorts and t-shirt were dirty, her face grimy, and her hair was unbrushed and tangled, brushing her little shoulders. She had the look not of a child who had been playing recently and gotten herself freshly dirty, but rather one who had had grime accumulate for a while with no one bothering to clean her up. Buffy wanted to flinch at the sight of her; clearly, Faith's mother hadn't been too concerned with cleanliness, if the apartment and her daughter were any indication.

Speaking of Faith's mother, where was she? Were there no other people in her mind besides herself at various ages?

Buffy paused before the child, squatting down to her level.

"Hi, sweetie," she said softly, pitching her voice up higher than she normally would have in deference to the child. "Is this your house?"

The little figure stared at her, one tiny finger finding its way into the corner of her mouth as she nodded solemnly. In spite of herself, Buffy wanted to smile; she never would had pictured Faith as having ever been a shy toddler. She was a cute little thing too, or rather, she had been, under all that dirt.

"What are you up to in here?" Buffy asked her next, still trying to think of something she could ask or say to the child that might actually be helpful. At least with the thirteen-year-old Faith she knew she understood her, even if she wasn't going to talk back.

The toddler stared at her some more, finally shrugging her small shoulders slightly. As edgy as Buffy felt, knowing her chances of getting anything helpful from a version of Faith that was practically a baby, she couldn't help but smile at the oddly adult gesture, a gesture that reminded her of the seventeen-year-old or eighteen-year-old Faith, minus her bravado. It was still sort of strange for Buffy to think of Faith as ever having been a baby or child, let alone to be looking at her as one.

Okay, new tactic, Buffy... kick it down a notch. Start simple... there has to be some way you can get useful info from a three-year-old...

"What's your name, sweetie? My name is Buffy," Buffy told her next- she'd learned from the older past-Faith already that, when and if another younger Faith popped up, she'd better act like she had no idea who she was.

"Faif," the child lisped softly, speaking the first word Buffy had heard from her so far. She lowered her eyes shyly, but peeped out from beneath long dark lashes. Again, Buffy had to smile in spite of her impatience; who'd have thought Faith had been so adorable? She found herself impulsively wanting to make the toddler smile, just so she could see if Faith had still had her dimples back then.

"Faith? That's a pretty name... where's your mommy, Faith?"

The toddler shrugged again, still peeking up at Buffy curiously... and with a plaintive want, a hopefulness in her eyes that made something stir uncomfortably in Buffy's chest.

"You don't know?" Buffy asked, frowning; was the kid just saying that, or did she really not know? "Isn't your mommy here at home with you somewhere?"

It wouldn't be very good, after all, if the woman came in and saw Buffy standing in her kitchen, their door broken down, with her three-year-old daughter. It would be nice to know where she was... but clearly Faith had never been overly helpful, even as a child.

"No, she not here. Just me," Faith piped up in her little voice, and Buffy looked at her more sharply. At first she thought that Faith must just be saying that- after all, who leaves a three-year-old home alone?

But then again, she had been alone in the kitchen when Buffy came in... and was so filthy... and from what Faith had hinted about as an adult, her mother hadn't been the most stable one alive.

Was this a memory? Had Faith's mother really been that careless with her toddler- or was this just a fantasy or dream?

It doesn't matter, Buffy told herself quickly. You can't really know... so just, just act like it's true, relate to her like it's true. But remember what Catherine said- don't forget that it isn't, at least not right now, not anymore.

"Your mommy's not here?" Buffy repeated, trying to sound casual even as she just wanted to move on to something that might be more productive. "Does she leave you here alone a lot?"

The toddler shrugged again, and this time there was a defensiveness about her gesture, faint, but there, even in her babyish body.

"I hungwy," she said softly, looking at Buffy with that same helpless/hopeless look, and again Buffy felt that strange ache twist itself in her chest. "Pease?"

"All right," Buffy told her softly, "Okay, Faith, I'll get you something to eat..."

She stood up slowly, feeling the child's eager hopeful eyes watching her as she moved to look in the cabinets above the small sink and counter. Her mind was whirring with faint disbelief... what kind of 

mother had Faith had to leave her toddler alone in their flimsily locked apartment, dirty and hungry? For how long was she planning on leaving her alone there anyway? How often did she do this? Toddler Faith certainly hadn't seemed upset, didn't seem to think it anything unusual. Buffy had been upset if she messed up her clothes at three... if she had been left alone in her house as filthy as Toddler Faith was now, she'd have been hysterical.

There wasn't very much in the cabinets, but Buffy finally withdrew a box of graham crackers to give to her. When she turned around, however, the child she saw was not the one she'd expected. The tiny toddler had disappeared... and in her place, right by the stained sink at Buffy's right elbow, was a skinny, long-legged child around seven years old, with Faith's dark wavy hair spilling down her back, and her defiant scowl set firmly in her expression. Beside her on the small counter was a cluster of beer cans and wine bottles, and she had just finished the process of pouring down the drain.

As Buffy looked her over, blinking in surprise at how suddenly the scene, not to mention the child in question, had changed, the little girl's scowl aimed itself at Buffy, her scrawny shoulders tensing.

"Go right ahead and tell her, I don't care," she said fiercely, but Buffy had seen the glint of fear crossing her dark eyes. "She don't care right now anyway. And she'll get mad anyway when she finds out later, nothin' you tell her's gonna make no difference."

Buffy was having a hard time dragging her eyes away from the cans and bottles on the counter back to the little girl before her. Faith had said before that her mother was an alcoholic... but jesus...

"I'm not going to tell," she assured her quietly, barely stopping herself in time from adding Faith's name at the end of her sentence. "Who do all these belong to? Your mom?"

"She's not my mom!" the little girl hissed, her eyes narrowing angrily, and her small hand tightened unconsciously around the beer can she was holding. "She can't be. She's lying, she just SAYS that. She probably stoled me. My real mom isn't her, she's probably lookin' and lookin' and she just can' find me is all."

Suddenly her eyes opened wide, and the seven-year-old Faith looked Buffy over with the breathless, near awe of someone who had just had a huge realization occur to her.

"You... are you... are YOU my real mama?" she asked in a tentative near whisper, as though she feared speaking louder would break the possibility. "Is that why you're here? Did- did you finally find me?"


	10. Chapter 10

"Damaged" By Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily  
'Cause it's all that I've ever know  
True love is a fairy tale  
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone  
I'm ashamed  
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've  
taken away  
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say  
And you can't take back what you've  
taken away  
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully  
And it chills to the bone  
Will anyone get close to me?  
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul  
An ending to this fear  
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger  
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

Chapter 10

Buffy's heart wrenched as she looked down at the little-girl Faith, seeing the wild hope in her eyes, hearing it in her nearly breathless tone. It was so hard for to see this child before her as being the same Faith that Buffy had known ten years later... and yet, she was, or rather, she had been. Even with her guilt over Faith's condition and her own role in it, even with her regret over some of her own actions, Buffy could not forget Faith's actions against HER, could not forget her betrayal of Buffy and her friends. She might be able to forgive her, to partly understand her reasons... but she could never forget what Faith had done.

But this child had done nothing... this child was innocent of what Faith had become, what she had done, as was all other versions of Faith from the past. There was nothing in this child to forget or forgive... but there was apparently much to grieve for. What kind of life must Faith had had to wish away her own mother in favor of a stranger?

"No, sweetie, I'm a little too young to be your mother," Buffy told her gently, her heart twisting even more tightly in her chest as the little girl's excitement quickly dimmed in her eyes, her face falling. She quickly covered, however, scowling once more in a way that reminded Buffy strongly of the older Faith.

Where WAS the older Faith, the Faith Buffy had known? Was she ever going to reappear, so Buffy could talk to her and actually say something that would make her want to come out of her coma? As cute as these younger Faiths were, and as bad as Buffy might feel seeing what they must have gone through, Buffy didn't know how she was supposed to use what was essentially nothing more than memories to reach the person that Faith was now. Not only were they memories, but memories that Faith might not even consciously recall...

"Figures," the little-girl Faith muttered, breaking into Buffy's thoughts. "Well then who are you? How come you're here? I ain't never seen you before."

"I'm... I'm a friend," Buffy fumbled, deciding that this phrasing was about the best way she could put it at the moment. Little-girl Faith, however, looked skeptical.

"A FRIEND?" she said with heavy distrust, raising an eyebrow in a manner that seemed older than her age. "MAMA'S friend? She don't usually have friends that are GIRLS."

"No... no, I'm, I'm your friend, Fai- I'm your friend," Buffy repeated lamely, again just barely stopping herself in time from saying Faith's name. The child just looked at her with way more suspicion than a kid her age ought to have, even when Buffy was tripping all over her own story.

"I don't know you, I ain't never seen you before. So how can you be my friend?" Faith shot back, and for the first time Buffy noticed a hint of apprehension in her tone. The little girl had stiffened, and she looked around her quickly, as if trying to figure out her quickest escape route. Oh damn, Buffy thought, she's getting scared. I'm starting to scare her. Back off, Buff...

"Well, you're right, I'm not your friend yet since you don't know me," she allowed. "But I want to be. I just want to talk to you- I won't do anything to you, and I won't tell on you, I promise. I want to help you out here."

The child that Faith had been eyed her beadily, frowning in confusion and indecision... her small face was creased into a look of such concentration that Buffy would have smiled, if the moment were not so serious. Finally she in a voice trying for defiancfe but wavering slightly, "Maybe I don't need your help."

Hearing that from the little girl hardly more than half her height before her, Buffy wanted to close her eyes against the sudden sadness that rose in her chest. At seven, this Faith already sounded and behaved much like Faith had been at seventeen. Had she truly been so damaged, so defensive, even back then?

"I don't know... I think you do," Buffy said to her finally, her tone quiet as she made herself look the girl in the eyes. "And if you do wouldn't it be pretty sill to not take what you can get? To maybe make things a little better?"

Silence from Little Girl Faith; she was still frowning at Buffy, but Buffy suspected that it wasn't so much that she disbelieved her, as she was afraid that Buffy was wrong, that she couldn't do anything for her. And honestly, she couldn't tell yet whether Faith's suspicion was right.

"Well... who are you anyway?" Faith said finally, her face softening only slightly.

Buffy smiled, a little relieved... at least the younger Faiths seemed okay with her. The thing was though, that she didn't know exactly why they were here and what she was supposed to do with them.

"I'm Buffy... and from what I hear, you're Faith, right?"

"Yeah..." Faith said slowly, reluctantly, not taking her eyes off her.

"Faith... where's your mother?" Buffy asked her next, suddenly growing concerned about that issue again. "It would be really good if we could talk alone for a while. Is she home right now?"

"Well, YEAH," Faith said in surprise, looking at Buffy as though she weren't certain of the older girl's mental capacities. "She's in the living room with her FRIEND. Can't you hear her?"

And suddenly, as if the child's words were a cue, Buffy could... through the not-quite-separated partial opening between the living room and kitchen, the loud, obnoxious sounds of someone- two someones- engaging in intercourse carried to her ears. The noise was such that Buffy felt like they were in the room beside her. She froze, her mouth dropping, eyes bulging with horror and disgust. What the HELL- who DID that, who ACTED like that right there in the LIVING room?!

"Oh... my... god..." she croaked, wanting to stuff her fingers in her ears, but finding herself momentarily unable to move. "Oh god, you have got to be kidding me, please..."

"They do that a lot," Faith said matter-of-factly, almost casually, and yet there was a bitter edge to her tone as well. "Fucking. Really a lot."

At that little voice breaking into her thoughts, Buffy jumped; in her digust she had temporarily forgotten that Faith was there. Now her shock was renewed and amplified several times over as she stared down at the little girl, unable to believe how calmly she stood there, how the two in the other room didn't seem to notice or care if she saw or heard. God... Buffy would flip out NOW if she heard her mother... god, she couldn't even think about it. But at seven... they'd have had to scrape her off the ceiling.

Then suddenly another bit of Faith's little comment struck her.

"WHAT did you just say?"

"They do that a lot," Faith repeated. "It's really hard to go to sleep sometimes but they get mad if I-"

"No... after that," Buffy said slowly. "What did you say, Faith?"

"Fucking?" Faith said, blinking up at her with an innocence that was not feigned.

Yep... I did hear her right. Well, bright side, it wasn't Toddler Faith who said it.

"Isn't that what it's called?" Faith asked her, frowning slightly.

Oh god, so not going there, Bufy thought, mentally cringing, SO not...

Okay, calm down... this isn't real. Remember that. This isn't real. Faith isn't seven, no one is REALLY having sex practically beside you.

But it sure sounds like the same as if they were, doesn't it? And this might really have happened to Faith was she was seven...

"Um... is there some way we can leave here, go somewhere a little more quiet?" Buffy asked hesitantly. "Where they won't see us leave?"

"Don't matter if they see us, they don't care as long as no one tries to talk to them," Faith replied, making a face. "They probably won't even notice you if you're quiet. Let's go to my room. You can still hear them, but I can't leave. They'll kick my ass."

Buffy cringed at the child's words, not only for her second casual swear, but also for what she was actually saying. She hoped that Faith was exaggerating about the ass-kicking part. She also doubted 

th girl's assurance that her mother and her mother's "friend" wouldn't notice a stranger strolling through their living room with Faith, evne if they were, er, "occupied".

But whatever... what other option was there? And this WAS Faith's mind, after all, she might know what she was talking about. And if she didn't... well, she could grab Faith and run. She had slayer strength on her side; besides, they couldn't hurt her anyway, not really. None of this was real, she reminded herself, rationalizing quickly.

She began to reply to Faith, but the little girl was already slipping into the living room quietly. Buffy hesitated, nerves tangling in her stomach even after her silent pep talk to herself, but then she followed, looking about quickly.

There was, as the noises they'd heard in the kitchen had indicated, a man and a woman nude on the battered couch, thrusting and grinding against each other with loud, cacophonous grunts that would have been disturbing in any circumstances, but was even more so to Buffy because a seven-year-old girl was standing in the room too. A seven-year-old girl who was ignoring it completely, and, true to her prediction, being ignored by them as well.

Good god, Buffy thought in horror and revulsion as a realization came to her. No wonder Faith was so free with the sex talk... she must have seen it carried out all the time, it was probably like taking a shower to her or something!

She couldn't help but glance at the two on the couch as she followed Faith quietly, mortification, nausea, and a hot anger beginning to swell in her stomach, spreading upward slowly. The woman- 

Faith's mother- was very thin, yet flabby, as if she didn't eat properly. Her hair was bleached, with an inch of root showing, and dried-out-looking. Buffy could not see her face and hoped that this meant the woman didn't see her either. The man was overweight, unshaven, with unkempt longish hair.

It made Buffy sick to see them, to know that anyone would behave in such a way. She wanted to hear them apart, to slam some sense into their heads via her fists.

Just when Buffy thought she could be no more horrified, the man's head turned towards her slightly, his eyes meeting hers... as Buffy froze, preparing to either bolt or fight, his lips curled up in a sloppy leer... and he winked at her. He turned back to Faith's mother, positioning himself so he was blocking her view of Buffy and Faith, then began anew in his activities, even louder than before.

Buffy did not think it would be possible for her to be more disgusted, flabbergasted, and outraged all at once. The pervert had SEEN that she had seen them, that Faith had seen them... and he LIKED it! She wanted to punch him until every bone was broken, throw him against the wall until he screamed. She wanted...

She had gotten so side-tracked by her violent impulsive thoughts that she hadn't realized that Faith had already slipped into one of the three doors Buffy was standing by. One of them was, presumably, her bedroom.

Turning back to them with a frown, Buffy picked one on the right, easing it open quietly; she didn't care if Faith's mother saw her now, she just didn't want to scare Little Girl Faith.

It wasn't a child's bedroom that Buffy stood in the doorway of, however, but rather a small bathroom. And there was not one figure in the room, but two...and Buffy realized that the couple on the couch, as was seven-year-old Faith, most likely, were gone, replaced by the pair before her.


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm okay" by Christina Aguilera

Once upon a time there was a girl  
In her early years she had to learn  
How to grow up living in a war that she called home  
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm  
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face  
Everytime my father's fist would put her in her place  
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room  
Hoping it would be over soon

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same  
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid  
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave  
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday  
And I'm OK

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt  
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built  
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door  
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"  
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done  
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Chapter 11

The two people in the bathroom were a woman- the same woman, Faith's mother, that Buffy had just seen having sex on the now-vacant couch- and a child, a little girl Buffy assumed was Faith, thought the woman was blocking her view too much to see her very clearly at first. The child looked smaller than the last Faith from what Buffy could tell from her initial first glance, but bigger than Toddler Faith had been- perhaps four, five years old. Faith's mother's back was to Buffy, because she was kneeling before the small bathroom tub, where the little girl was lying on her back in the water. Neither figure appeared to notice Buffy's presence in the doorway.

At first Buffy thought that Faith's mother was washing her daughter's hair for her. After all, why else would she be lying back in the tub, her mother bent over her, her hands on her head and hair? But it only took a couple of seconds of watching for Buffy to realize what it was that she was really seeing. Faith's mother's hands were not moving in her hair, rinsing or shampooing it; rather, she had one fist wrapped in it, taking a handful of Faith's long hair and using it to yank her head down roughly into the water. And her other hand was over Faith's face, her mouth and nose, cutting off her attempts to get her breath as she forced the struggling little girl's head under the water...

There was not time for Buffy to stand there in shock, to dwell in horror over what the woman was doing to Faith- what had been done to Faith once as a child, if this were a real memory. She didn't allow herself the idleness of taking that time. Instincts born of rapidly rising fear, anger, and 

incredulity took over, and before she had time to think any further about what she was doing, she was rushing into the small bathroom. Grabbing the woman roughly by shoulders that felt too hard, too bony, Buffy yanked her away from her daughter. The woman's hands came off Faith easily enough; it was not that she was so strong, but rather, that she was determined, and her daughter was so small.

Buffy threw the woman away from her, hearing her crash against the open bathroom door and not bothering to look back as she turned her attention to Preschool-Aged Faith anxiously. The child had sat up with a little difficulty as soon as Buffy had pulled her mother away from her; she was now coughing harshly, spitting up water as tears streamed from her eyes. Her hair was plastered in sodden tangles down her back and shoulders, half of it also spread over her face. Buffy quickly but gently combed the child's hair off her face, trying to search her expression as she took her by her shoulders. She barely was aware of Faith's nakedness; the little girl's lack of clothing was the last thing on her mind as she spoke to her urgently, her heart hammering faster than ever so that its beats were nearly visible in her chest.

"Faith- oh god, are you okay? Talk to me, sweetheart, please, I'm not going to hurt you..."

The child looked at her blearily, and the terror and confusion in her eyes almost shattered something soft in Buffy's chest, something very near her heart. As the little girl Faith began to shake, whether from fear, cold, or a combination of th two, still crying quietly, Buffy could barely keep from crying herself. Impulsively she hugged the child to her, never mind the fact that she was getting wet, that Faith was still naked and was also flinching under her grasp, obviously afraid of this stranger-to-her and her touch. Buffy swallowed hard, blinking back tears as she hugged Faith to her, stroking back the little girl's wet hair.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry... it's okay, you're okay," she nearly whispered, her voice breaking. "I've got you, I won't hurt you, you're okay now..."

Buffy could hear Faith's mother moving behind her, perhaps struggling to sit up or stand. Buffy didn't turn to look at her; she was afraid that if she did, she'd be unable to stop from knocking the woman unconscious or even dead.

"Who the hell are you?" the older woman mumbled, her voice fuzzy. She seemed to be attempting righteous anger but slurred too much for this to get across clearly. "What are you doin' here? This is MY house, MY kid, you can't treat me like this! Get the fuck out of my house, take your fucking hands off my kid!"

Buffy couldn't help herself; releasing Faith, she spun on her, her face tightening with fury. The woman blinked back at her, her eyes bleary but defiant.

"Shut up," Buffy hissed fiercely, giving the woman a glare that would have made any sober person realize just how deep a slayer's rage could go. "Don't you say another damn word."

She turned back to Preschool Faith, who had been watching her with wide, apprehensive eyes... and yet what looked like a cautious awe, even hope.

"I'm so sorry sweetie, but it's going to be okay. I won't hurt you, and I won't let her hurt you either. Let's get you out of here and into some dry clothes, okay?"

She tried to smile reassuringly at Faith, but the girl's brow scrunched together, as if she could not decide whether Buffy meant what she had just said. Finally, looking at the hands resting on her shoulders, she nodded, sniffing. She did not smile back.

Chest still aching for her, Buffy lifted Preschool Faith from the tub, picking up the towel from the closed toilet seat to dry her off with. But before she could scan the room for Faith's clothes, before she could wrap the towel around her small body, Buffy froze, staring in horrified incredulity at the child's little body. She was covered with bruises of varying colors and ages, wounds both healed over into scars and still relatively fresh, marks that looked like cigarette burns...

All Buffy could think of as she stared at Faith's damaged little body was, oh my god, oh my god... and for her part, Faith said nothing, seeming almost embarrassed by Buffy's shock, or maybe ashamed. Fury swelled inside Buffy, rising up to her throat, making her feel like she hated the world, every single person in it...

What could make someone beat a child? How could anyone be that heartless, that...that MONSTROUS? And judging from the appearance and sheer abundance of marks on Faith, this had not been a long-ago beating, a one-time loss of control. No... looking at the differences in sizes, shapes, colors, and stages of healing, this had been going on for some time.

Her hands shaking, Buffy gently wrapped the towel around Faith, who still was clearly afraid. Turning away from her, Buffy strode over to where Faith's mother was still sitting up, dazed and vaguely angry, against the sink. Grabbing her by the upper arms decidedly less than gently, Buffy yanked her to her feet, then slammed the woman's back into the wall opposite the sink, holding her up against it and pushing her face into Faith's mother's. The woman's reactions were slow, but her pupils dilated further, her sagging features beginning to show a sloppy fear as Buffy began to scream at her, feeling her heatbeat speed even faster in her anger.

"How could you do that?! What the hell is wrong with you that you could do that to her?! She's just a little kid- she's your damn DAUGHTER!" Buffy screamed, knowing that she was spitting on the woman and gaining a minimal satisfaction from it. "How could you DO that?!"

"Don't you fuckin' yell at me, bitch," the woman slurred, trying unsucessfully to sound and look tougher, to push Buffy off of her. Buffy held her firmly; no way was she letting her get away with what she had been doing.

Wait, wait, calm down... a little voice popped up in the back of her mind, and for a moment Buffy didn't move, both dreading and anxiously awaiting its words. Remember, you can't get too caught up in this, you can't start to think it's real. None of this is real, it isn't really happening...

I don't give a shit! Buffy interrupted it aggressively. It happened once... it was real once... that's all that fucking matters!

Having just countered her logical side with further logic- thought admittedly logic that was based on emotion- Buffy socked Faith's mother in the nose, taking a grim pleasure from the sight of the blood that spurted forth, the stunned, pained cry the woman uttered as her knees buckled. Still pinning her against the wall with one hand, refusing to allow her to fall, Buffy punched her again. She was cocking her arm to land another blow when a shrill child's voice sounded, stopping her.

"STOP! NO, DON'T, STOP..."

Still pressing Faith's mother against the wall, Buffy turned her head to look at the child who had just called out to her so desperately. Preschool Faith's body was rigid with shock and fear, her brown eyes huge and pleading, welling with tears. Looking at her, shame, guilt, and sorrow churned in the pit of Buffy's stomach, and she felt her rage begin to fade. This was probably the last thing Faith wanted or needed to see right now, no matter how much her mother deserved it. Besides, how would Buffy connect with this version of Faith by showing her more violence?

Slowly, reluctantly, Buffy lowered her fist to her side again, but she did not loosen her hold on the woman. Looking directly into her eyes, disgusted by twisted, drunken features, she said to her in a low, tightly controlled voice, "I'm not going to kill you now, because it would scare your daughter, and she's had enough done to her tonight. But if you ever lay a hand on her again in a way that isn't actively doing something to care for her well-being, then I might conveniently forget the moral code I 

have about not kiling humans. Because, see, in my opinion there's not difference between you and the red-eyed, horn-sprouting demons and monsters that I AM allowed to kill."

Giving the woman one last shake, Buffy let go of her abruptly. She heard Faith's mother gasp, her breath coming in shallow, frightened, and confused pants as her knees buckled, causing her to fall back to the floor. Tomorrow there would be cuts and bruises, but not enough to match Faith's... not nearly enough, Buffy thought grimly.

She moved back to Faith's side, kneeling before her slowly, not touching her at first. She didn't' want to make her panic. The little girl was still staring at her, her wet hair dripping, holding the towel around herself in a way that indicated she hardly realized it was there. Her mouth was trembling, her narrow shoulders drawn together so tautly that it looked painful to Buffy, and her eyes were still shining with her suppressed tears. Buffy could see the child blinking quickly against them, her face scrunching up slightly as she drew in several uneven breaths.

Looking at her, Buffy's heart wrenched with empathy, and she had to lower her eyes for a few seconds, blinking against tears.

"Oh sweetie, it's okay," she almost whispered, her voice cracking noticeably. "I'm not going to hurt you, I would never hurt you."

Impulsively she pulled Preschool Faith into her arms, dampness, towel, and all, holding her to her chest fiercely as she continued to force back tears, not trusting herself to speak very much. At first Faith remained stiff in her arms, and Buffy could feel the child's hear against her, beating rapidly with her fear and confusion. But as Buffy kept her arms around her, whispering that she was okay and petting her damp hair, she felt the child's body relax against her gradually until Preschool Faith was cautiously putting her face against Buffy's neck.

"Come on, sweetheart, let's go get you dressed," Buffy said to her softly, picking her up and settling her on her hip. Somehow the gesture wasn't as awkward as she'd anticipated; Faith snuggled close to her immediately, her small arms locking around Buffy's neck as she burrowed her face into Buffy's shoulder. Buffy walked past Faith's mother, still slumped over muttering incoherently, without looking at her; even so she felt a flash of fury go through her in a hot wave up her chest.

When Buffy was standing before the other room, she set Preschool Faith down, going to open the door. But as she turned back to take her hand, she realized that the girl had disappeared, and in the room she stood before was yet another younger version of Faith... a version whose appearance made a horrified shudder roll down Buffy's spine.


	12. Chapter 12

"Faithless" by Marry me Jane

As we spin around the mattress  
as the guilty war start time again  
as I mumble my resistance  
I hesitate  
and then I take you in

Your sent is too familliar  
your fingers nullify my skin  
am I still your creepy sister?  
when you wash me away?  
and away we come again

He leads me down to the basement  
He waits til' no one can hear  
He leaves me dirty and wasted

I am faithless  
I am shameless  
I am faithless

I don't expect to be forgiven  
I don't expect these scars to dissapear  
I came to life as you predicted  
so you where right,  
I'm your souvenir

can I return your little secret?  
can I remember to forget I'm here?  
cut out my tounge and let you keep it?  
would it turn you on?  
or would it make you ill?

He leaves me broken and breathless  
He leaves me his cigarette  
He leaves me shattered and shaking

I am faithless  
I am nameless  
I am

twisted, I'm so twisted  
is that human?  
given, I'm so given  
I am low(?)

He leaves me

I am faithless  
I am faceless  


I am

I am shameless  
I am nameless  
I am faithless

Chapter 12

Buffy was standing in the doorway of a little girl's room, what obviously had been Faith's room as a child. But rather than having a large, colorful room, as Buffy had occupied as a little girl, one with pink and white walls, dolls and stuffed animals and a canopy bed, Faith's room was hardly big enough to fit her bed, beat-up dresser, and what looked like a footstool that held a couple of bouncy balls, some Happy Meals toys, and a few Hot Wheels cars.

This in and of itself- Faith's apparent lack of childhood possessions- would have been depressing for Buffy to see on their own... but the truth was that her eyes skipped right past them, not registering them. The only thing she saw was the figure lying on Faith's bed twin bed.

She WAS Faith, Buffy knew, though the girl was slightly older than the previous Little Girl Faith had been, perhaps nine or ten years old, judging from her size. But somehow, Buffy could not at first bring herself to believe this. The child on the bed could NOT be Faith... this had to be some other girl, perhaps one Faith had known. Surely this wasn't Faith, not HER Faith... no...

But even as the initial irrational denials flew through Buffy's mind, she knew they were false, that they were only her desperate wishes. This WAS Faith, this HAD happened to Faith, to HER Faith... she had almost definitely been in this position before, been every bit as wretched and deeply shocking as this little girl that Buffy was looking at now.

The nine-year-old Faith was curled on her bed in a fetal position, knees drawing up to her still-childishly-flat chest, and she was hugging herself tightly. Though she was much older than Toddler Faith had been, her thumb had found its way into her mouth in a way that made Buffy draw in her breath, feeling her own too-fast, too-cold breath freezing the walls of her throat and chest cavity. The little girl was shivering, her face twisting as she struggled fiercely not to cry, trying so hard that the silent sobs rattled through her narrow back and rib cage. Her eyes were scrunched shut, but despite her desperate efforts, a few silent tears squeezed themselves out from under her eyelids.

Buffy could see the child's lip swelling, saw that it was crusted with blood. She saw the bruising already forming around her eye, and she knew that someone had hit her. But what made her stomach churn with nausea, what made the tears spill from her eyes as her chest exploded inside with sharp 

stabbings of pain and grief, was the state of the little-girl Faith's clothes. She was fully dressed in a pajama set, but it looked as if the child had thrown her clothes on very hastily; her shirt was misbuttoned, a few buttons missing altogether, and it was torn at the collar. And as for her pajama bottoms... even from the doorway Buffy saw the stains at the crotch and knew that they were blood.

At first Buffy didn't want to admit that she knew how the stains were there. Other options raced through her mind, everything from them being only Kool-Aid or ketchup, to Faith having gotten her first period at a very early age. But she knew even as thought it that none of it was true. She knew what had really happened. Someone had hurt Faith... someone had...

She couldn't think it, she couldn't.

"No," she half-sobbed, her voice breaking, "oh no, they couldn't, no..."

She was hardly aware that she was moving forward, hurrying to Little Girl Faith's side; she could vaguely hear the same little voice in her head, chanting at her with some urgency.

Not real, Buffy, don't' forget this isn't real... you have to remember, this isn't real...

She heard the voice, but she didn't care, couldn't bother to acknowledge it. All Buffy cared about was doing something to reach out to the broken little girl on the bed, to do whatever she could to even slightly ease her pain...

She went behind the child on her bed, drawing her into her arms and holding her tightly against her, cradling her against her chest instinctively. At first Little Girl Faith was frightened, and understandably so; she gasped, her breath coming in faster, hitching sobs, almost hyperventilating, and she began to thrash against Buffy with her thin little limbs, trying to get loose. Buffy held her easily with one arm; with the other, she tried to stroke the little girl soothingly, patting her flailing arms and legs, her back, running her hand through her hair.

"Don't, baby, you might hurt yourself," she told Faith, her voice still choked with tears, as she continued to stroke her the best she could, to calm her. "It's okay, baby, it's okay... I'm not going to hurt you, I would never hurt you. Shhh... it's going to be okay, sweetie, I've got you. You're okay, you're going to be okay..."

After a few minutes Little Girl Faith seemed to accept her words as truth, or maybe she had exhausted herself into no longer caring. Whatever the case, she stopped fighting against Buffy. Her body went limp in the blonde slayer's arms, and she clutched at her weakly, beginning to cry more openly. Buffy was crying too as she rocked the child in her arms, still rubbing her hair, her back and shoulders, with shaking hands.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie, I'm so sorry..."

"I didn't w-want it, I didn't mean to l-let him," Faith was choking out, her words difficult to understand. "I tried to make him stop but I c-couldn't. It hurts... I'm bleeding, w-what if I'm gonna die?"

"Oh, baby..." Buffy choked, her own tears streaming harder at the child's tortured words, her self-condemnation and fears, even as she tried to wipe Faith's away. "Baby, this wasn't your fault..."

But suddenly everything was changing, everything around her was melting away, morphing, melting into a different scene, and Buffy was being moved along with it. She cried out, trying to hold onto Faith, to hunch her body over hers to keep her grounded with her... but Little Girl Faith was disappearing as well, and Buffy found herself in an entirely new location, once more standing in a doorway as she looked in upon two figures who seemed oblivious to her presence.

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Giles was frowning slightly, leaning forward in his seat behind the glass of the control room across from the transferral room, where Buffy's and Faith's and bodies remained suspended in the air. It had been over an hour now, and still Buffy had not returned, or showed signs of returning, to them... and nor, of course, had Faith. He found himself wanting to pace the small area, to find something physical he cold to do occupy himself. He had fought against the impulse to clean his glasses countless times. He just wanted SOMETHING else to focus on... and yet he was worried that if he took his eyes off of Buffy, something would go wrong.

The glass between the two rooms was not soundproof; he had heard the sounds that Buffy made, gasps, moans, even sobs... even now there was silent tears trickling down her cheeks. Giles could see them clearly, wetting her hair, the sides of her neck. He wanted nothing more than to go to her, to hold her hand and wipe them away, to let her know even subconsciously that he was there with her. But he knew that he could not... Giles could only sit there, shifting about restlessly, and clinching his jaw.

Faith, he had observed ambivalently, had also uttered a few soft cries, and her cheeks too were stained with tears... Giles was not sure, in her case, if this was a good sign or a bad one. He had never heard her make a sound since in all the times he had seen her since she first slipped into her coma. He had certainly never seen her cry, had not been sure that people who were comatose were able to do so. On one hand, perhaps her tears indicated that she was closer to consciousness than she had been in some time; perhaps Buffy was reaching her, forcing her to face her emotions, even her possible fears or reluctances to return to them.

Giles hated to think about what might be going on inside the teenager's head, what the two girls might be experiencing- in Faith's case, reliving- together. He was not as clueless to some of the things Faith had implied in her words and behavior as she had thought he was...he had his own suspicions of how Faith's life may have been before she ever met him and the others of Sunnydale. Yes, perhaps Faith's tears, even while still comatose, were a good thing... he had certainly never seen the girl cry while she was conscious.

On the other hand, what if it WASN'T a positive sign at all? What if Faith's tears- and Buffy's as well- meant that she was in physical pain? What if something had gone wrong- what if Buffy's emotion meant that she was beginning to think that whatever was going on inside Faith's mind was really happening to her?

Giles's spine straightened, and he glanced anxiously at Catherine and Miriam, who were monitoring the girls. Catherine was, as Giles was, watching the girls through the window, her expression intense, slightly furrowed in concentration. Giles could not tell if she was worried as well, or merely fascinated. Miriam was keeping an eye on the girls' vital signs, as well as a scanning of Buffy's brain.

"Er- Catherine?" Giles ventured, his tone awkward, though he did, thankfully, he thought, refrain from blushing. "I was concerned that... I mean... Buffy, and Faith, it seems to be taking some time,and I was wondering if it is quite... usual... that they be reacting so..."

"Do you mean their crying, Rupert, and making noises?" Catherine finished for him, smiling gently. "It isn't as if every person in a coma- or every person who enters a comatose patient's mind- reacts so strongly, but it does happen occasionally. If the mind's emotions are strong enough, the body can echo them back even while in an unconscious state. It's comparable to awakening from a nightmare and realizing that you have been crying, or screaming."

"Ah... well, yes, but... does that not indicate that perhaps she is beginning to feel things... too much?" Giles asked with more worry than he'd intended coloring his tone, as he glanced quickly at Catherine to monitor her reaction.

"There's no need to worry about that... yet, anyway," Miriam spoke up, looking up briefly from the scans of Buffy's brain. "A few times she has come close to getting too wrapped up in whatever is going on inside Faith's mind- you can tell, because this area of the scan begins to darken," she explained, gesturing. "But so far she had always managed to talk herself down, or remind herself, I suppose, because each time her scan has lightened again. She's staying focused, Rupert, I think she's fine."

"She seems to be performing impressively, especially considering her lack of experience,"Catherine agreed, smiling again at Giles. "She is extraordinary, Rupert. I wouldn't worry just yet- what we are seeing may in fact be progress. So far she is holding her own."

"Yes, yes, of course she is..." Giles replied somewhat absently, but his brow was furrowed as he began to watch the two once more. He tried to tell himself that Catherine and Miriam were right, that he should not worry. There was no need to. Buffy would be fine- and if she wasn't, Catherine and Miriam would bring her back.

But she WOULD be fine... she was a slayer, after all, both girls were- and Faith would be fine as well, of course. Weak, disoriented, possibly even still furious with them... but fine. They'd help her, they'd bring her around.

Even more than being a slayer, though, Buffy was BUFFY. There was no other Giles would have entrusted with such a mission- no other who had so successfully gotten herself and others, countless others, through equally important and taxing ones. Buffy would get through this, and she would pull Faith through it with her- of course she would.

Still, despite his logical reasoning with himself, Giles could not help but worry, watching his former slayer- both of his former slayers- with a steady anxiety.


	13. Chapter 13

The Child is gone" by Fiona Apple

Darling, give me your absence tonight  
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white  
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside  
And dont bother leaving the light on  
cuz I suddenly feel like a different person  
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion  
And I ran my hand oer a strange inversion  
A vacancy that just did not belong  
The child is gone

Honey help me out of this mess  
Im a stranger to myself  
But dont reach for me, Im too far away  
I dont wanna talk cuz theres nothing left to say  
So my  
Darling, give me your absence tonight  
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside  
cuz theres no kind of loving that can make this all right  
Im trying to find a place I belong  
And I suddenly feel like a different person  
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion  
And I ran my hand over a strange inversion  
As the darkness turns into the dawn  
The child is gone  
The child is gone

Chapter 13

Buffy was standing in a living room, one that was equally as ill-kept as the living room that she had earlier seen in Faith's apartment. It was not the same one, however; the furniture was different, as was the color of the walls. In fact, she realized as she looked around rapidly, disoriented, bewildered, dimly feeling her earlier tears beginning to dry on her cheeks, that she was in a different apartment entirely, an apartment that was not much better kept than the previous one had been.

There were stains on the badly faded carpet, and it was dimly lit; it had a darkness about it that reflected more than the lack of good lighting. The coffee table was littered with ashtrays full of cigarette butts, as well as several wine bottles; one of them had tipped over, adding yet another fresh stain on the dirty carpet. The room reeked of cigarette smoke and stale alcohol.

There was a woman lying on the couch, eyes closed, mouth open slightly. Buffy recognized her as Faith's mother, but just barely; the woman was even thinner and unhealthier in appearance than she had been in Buffy's last two encounters with her. Her face was gaunt and yet seemed to sag, her features sharply defined. Her hair was unbrushed, tangled, and it seemed greasy even from a 

distance. She couldn't be that many years older than she had been in the first memory where Buffy had seen her, when Faith had been about seven, and yet she looked as though she were nearly an old woman, at least twenty years older than her probable actual age.

The other figure in the living room was, of course, Faith. She was taller now, more mature-looking, though still younger than the Faith that Buffy had known; Buffy put her age at about fourteen, judging from her face and figure. Her hair was longer than the current Faith's was, but already she was wearing similar dark clothing and heavily applied dark makeup.

The fourteen-year-old Faith was standing with her back to Buffy, her hands on her hips as she scowled down at her mother, shaking her head. Buffy could only see the girl's profile, but it was enough for her to tell that Faith's jaw was clinched, her eyes narrowed in obvious anger.

Buffy wondered uneasily how she was supposed to make her presence known in this change of scene; after all, Faith was older now, not to mention angrier. It wasn't going to be easy to talk to her, to get her to trust her, as it had been when she was a younger child. Especially since Buffy was a stranger who had inexplicably appeared in her house...

Just as she was wondering whether she should speak up before Adolescent Faith saw her, the girl spoke first- addressing not Buffy, but her mother.

"Get up, Diane," she said, her voice taut with barely controlled anger and resentment. "Pull yourself together, you gotta get to work in an hour. And trust me, you're gonna NEED that time to get yourself lookin' halfway decent."

There was no response from the woman on the couch- Diane, Buffy realized, her mother's name was Diane. She had not known that... then again, she hadn't even known Faith's last name until yesterday.

Her face stiffening even more, her dark eyes flashing, Faith took another step towards her apparently unconscious or sleeping mother, leaning over her so her face was right in front of Diane's, her voice louder, aggressive.

"Get UP, Diane. You're about this fuckin' close to getting' fired, and if we get kicked out of another shitty apartment 'cause you were too busy layin' on your drunk ass to pay rent, I'll kill you, seriously. Put arsenic in your damn cigarettes or somethin'. So get. The. Fuck. Up."

Still the woman did not stir, did not so much as twitch or even breathe heavily... and that was when a suspicion began to dawn on Buffy, making her nearly gasp aloud as her heart sank. She was fairly certain that she hadn't seen the woman's chest rise and fall with her breathing even once so far... and Buffy had seen enough dead bodies over the past four years to realize when something seemed off about an unmoving, unresponsive figure.

Oh no... poor kid...

But Faith apparently did not yet realize this- or perhaps she did not want to, in this memory. She leaned over even closer to her mother, her voice lowering into a furious hiss, as she began to shake her roughly.

"Get UP, Diane! Get your ass off of this couch, NOW! GET UP!"

She shook the woman's body for about twenty seconds; when the woman still did not respond, just lolled bonelessly, Buffy knew that her suspicions were true. She could see that the realization was beginning to dawn on Adolescent Faith as well, for suddenly the girl stopped her movements, her face and body freezing with shock. She stared down at her mother with wide eyes, her hands still holding her by the shoulders as horror flooded her expression.

Oh god, poor Faith... what am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to say? Buffy thought almost frantically. She felt like an intruder upon the scene, a voyeur, for watching such an obviously distressing moment in Faith's past, without the girl even realizing she was there...

For Faith still seemed oblivious to her presence; the slender teenager was intent on her mother lying on the couch, fear stark and raw in her young features.

"Oh shit, oh no, no," she nearly whispered,the pain in her voice such that Buffy bit her lip, hugging herself instinctively. "No..."

She began to shake Diane Lehane again, harder, her movements frantic as her distressed words poured from her.

"Diane- get up! Come one, wake up, Diane! Mom- MOM, wake up, you have to get up, get up, get fuckin' UP! Mom- MOM!"

Finally her hands stilled, and she just stared, her wide eyes going watery. She blinked hard, and Buffy knew that her heart must be racing, knew how cold and lost she must be feeling...

"Mom, no," she whispered, her voice cracking, sounding younger than her age, nearly as young as her toddler self. "Mama..."

At that point, Buffy couldn't take it anymore, couldn't stand to keep standing back and watching Adolescent Faith without saying anything, without doing something to help her. She didn't know how she was supposed to handle this one, or whether she even should at all; she only knew that she felt she had to.

Without thinking about it,she stepped forward, deliberately making noise so that Faith would hear her. As the teenager spun around with a gasp, a fearful defensiveness, wild and aggressive, leaping into her tear-bright eyes, Buffy held her hands up, keeping a careful distance.

"I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie," she said quietly, gently, forcing herself to steady her voice."I-I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am..."

Oh stupid, Buffy, this is NOT the way to go about things... she thought as the younger girl's eyes narrowed, her face tightening with suspicion and an anger that was startlingly vivid. Not the way at all. But then again, how WAS she supposed to? All she'd been doing so far is floundering about, reacting. She hadn't even seen the current-aged Faith yet... did she even exist anymore? She had to, didn't she? Surely-

"Who the hell are YOU?" Adolescent Faith spat, and Buffy saw that her fists were knotted at her sides, her body so rigid she was nearly shaking. "What the hell are you doing in my house?!"

"Hey- hey, it's okay, I'm not going to do anything to you," Buffy tried to tell her soothingly, trying to take another step towards her, but Faith was having none of it. Still glaring at her with no small amount of hatred, she hissed at her fiercely.

"Get the hell out of here! Did YOU do this to her- did YOU kill her?!"

"I think you know I didn't, honey," Buffy said quietly, looking into the girl's narrowed eyes. The younger teen flinched, her eyes once more flashing with an emotion, this time so quickly that Buffy could not interpret it before it was gone.

"I don't know SHIT, lady," she shot back, lifting her chin aggressively, her hands still balled into fists at her sides as she aimed a glare in Buffy's direction that Buffy knew was meant to be menacing. "I don't know SHIT, and YOU don't either, you don't know SHIT about me!"

Something about the young teenager's tone sounded strange to Buffy... strained, still assertive, of course, but oddly familiar. Her brow furrowing, Buffy peered into Adolescent Faith's face more closely, probing the depths of the girl's eyes with her own, searching... for what, she was not sure. The girl stared back at her, seeming to take Buffy's gaze as a challenge. Buffy ignored her surface hostility, trying to look past it, to find... something...

It came upon her very unexpectedly, a sudden realization about just what it was that she was looking, for what it was she was seeing... what had really been there all along, just out of her awareness. It was Faith... not just this Faith, not the fourteen-year-old Faith before her, the memory that no longer was... but the REAL Faith, the CURRENT Faith, the Faith that Buffy had known... the Faith that was of the now.

Buffy could see her, sense her, lurking deep inside the younger Faith's eyes. She was there, looking back at her, watching her. She knew Buffy, recognized her, though she did not acknowledge her knowledge, nor her presence.

Faith was THERE... the older Faith, the true Faith- she was there, hiding in the eyes of her former self. Perhaps she was hiding behind her, or inside her, using her former self and her memories as a façade, a mask to hide her presence from Buffy. Somehow in this way, she was both there, and yet absent, in the very same moment...

She must have been there all along, Buffy realized slowly, continuing to stare into the eyes that were somehow both the past and present Faith's at the same time now, peering from only one pair of eyes. For each memory self, each little-girl Faith, Faith must have been there all along, watching, hiding... even if all the little girls didn't know it, even if they didn't understand, didn't recognize me... SHE did. Faith did.

She could have talked to Faith at any time... and yet maybe she had, in some way, through her childhood selves. Maybe she had been saying what Faith needed to hear... and maybe that was why she had not, until now, allowed her to see her.Maybe this was Faith's very strange way of showing her something, trying to make Buffy earn her trust by having to be forced to understand... and maybe now that Faith was showing herself, allowing Buffy to see her, it was time to do away with all the hiding and addressals through others. Maybe it was time to talk to Faith herself.


	14. Chapter 14

"Never is a promise" by Fiona Apple

Never is a promise

Youll never see the courage I know  
Its colors richness wont appear within your view  
Ill never glow - the way that you glow  
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights  
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception  
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights  
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, but you dont understand  
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye  
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie

Youll never touch - these things that I hold  
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own  
Youll never feel the heat of this soul  
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you

Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems  
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high  
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

Youll never live the life that I live  
Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night  
Youll never hear the message I give  
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights  
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception  
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights  
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, youll never understand  
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why  
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am  
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry  
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie

Chapter 14

Still looking into Faith's eyes- both Faith's eyes, younger and older- Buffy spoke to her softly but firmly, addressing the older Faith rather than the memory standing before her.

"Faith... Faith, I know you're in there."

"What are you talking about?" Adolescent Faith interrupted quickly, her tone belligerent even as her posture and eyes scream ou her fear. "How the hell do you know my name? What the hell do you want from me?"

"Faith... Faith, I know you're in there, I can see you," Buffy said quietly, trying to ignore the younger girl, to focus on the person hiding in her gaze. "I want you to know.. I'm sorry. For everything that was done to you, for the suffering you lived... I'm sorry."

Something in the other girl's eyes shifted subtly, darkening, expanding outward, and though she did not move, did not give off any signs of it other than that flicker in her eyes, Buffy knew that an important change had just occurred. It was still Adolescent Faith's body before her, but the eyes were now entirely those of the older Faith. It was nearly completely she who now stood before Buffy now, in spirit if not body... and when she spoke, she used her own voice, as husky and sneering as Buffy was accustomed to.

"Oh, you're SORRY, B?" she asked her sarcastically, her eyes narrowing even as her mouth tipped without real mirth. "You think you're sorry?"

Sudden her calm, cynical tone was gone, replaced by her suddenly impassioned shouting as she leaned towards Buffy, her hands moving wildly with her outburst.

"You're NOT sorry, B, you're not fucking sorry! You just feel like you have to, that's all you are- you just know what's fucking expected from you, so you live up to it like a good little girl, a good little slayer, so you can get a pat on the head or a cookie or something! You don't REALLY care, because it's not YOU! You don't understand-you'll NEVER understand- because it isn't you, it isn't your life, and it never will be!" Faith cried out, her chest beginning to heave, her breathing quickening, shallow and noisy with her rising strong emotions. She glared ant Buffy fiercely, as if daring her to contradict her, daring her to make a move in her direction.

"Faith, listen to me," Buffy said, struggling to stay calm, sound reasonable, to keep the desperate anxiety from entering her tone. She had no idea how much time she'd already been in Faith's head- and it wasn't like she had so much time to work with.

"Faith, you are wrong. I am sorry- I'm sorry as hell for what you had go through. You were just a little girl, and none of it should have happened. NONE of it. It wasn't your fault-"

"Like you really give a shit!" Faith interrupted, her voice nearly a hiss. "Like you really would have cared if-"

"I DO give a shit, Faith!" Buffy cut her off, and her voice was very bit as fierce as the other girls as she stared hard at her, willing her to believe, to accept her words as truth. "I DO care. I care so much that I wish all of that was real- all those people who did that to you wre still there- so I could personally maim every single of them them. I care, Faith," she repeated, and she was slightly dismayed to hear her voice trembled, to feel the tears pricking behind her eyes. "But you can't stay in all that like you're doing. You can't hide behind all that anymore. They happened, and I hate that, I hate what was done to you... but you have to leave it here where it belongs. It happened, and you can't change that- but it's not happening anymore. It won't happen to you again... unless you let it, unless you keep reliving it."

Buffy took another step towards Faith, trying to ignore the stiff fourteen-year-old body, the disbelief and defensiveness in her eyes, and looked at her pleadingly, softening her voice.

"Faith... Faith, you have to let it go. You have to come back with me. You have to come back where you belong."

"I don't belong fuckin' anywhere or to anyone, BUFFY," Faith sneered, her lips curling up hostilely, as she continued to glare at her blackly, apparently unmoved. "You come in here diggin' all around, doin' all this head trip shit, tryin' to 'comfort' me, tryin' to 'change' things, thinkin' you could ever have a snowball's chance in hell of knowin' what I'm about. You DON'T understand me, B- you do NOT understand! Look at me- look at me and TRY to tell me that you're doin' right here, TRY to tell me you fuckin' understand me!"

Faith's voice had risen up in volume and pitch, a nearly anguished shrillness to it that Buffy had never heard before. Buffy stared at her, hurt, worry, and frustration mixing within her..

And then it hit her suddenly, so unexpectedly she doubled over, temporarily unable to breathe. As the sensations rolled over her, rapid, vivid, memories and feelings, thoughts and emotions, she knew that they were not hers, but Faith's. Somehow, Faith was giving Buffy her own memories, forcing her to experience them as if they were her own.

She saw Faith, perhaps fifteen years old, training with a woman in her late thirties. The woman had one hand on the small of Faith's back, the other in line with Faith's right arm as she manuevered Faith's body easily into the stance she wanted her in, touching her with a brisk efficience that nonetheless also carried traces of the woman's caring and affection for her. Buffy felt the woman's touch as if it were her own body, could feel Faith's equal measures of awkward discomfort and pleasure at the physical contact, the teenager's desire to prove herself and make her proud. Buffy knew, because Faith had known, that this woman had been Faith's watcher.

The next memory flickering through her, mind, body, and heart, was so different in tone that Buffy's body jerked, and she was screaming, her horror, fear, and wild grief equalling Faith's as she watched Kakistos the vampire rip her watcher's heart out, followed by both eyes, her kidneys, and her tongue. Buffy could feel herself shaking violently, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she felt Faith's intense emotions roll through her.

She felt the roughness of the cheap blanket over her, the sagging uncomfortable mattress of Faith's motel bed as she came awake, screaming hoarsely, and thrashing from nightmares. Buffy felt Faith's tears wet the sides of her hair, soaking into her pillow.

Buffy's shared memory shifted again, and she was now looking at herself from Faith's vision, that first time they had met at the Bronze. She could feel Faith's fear and nervousness, knew how hard she was trying to seem badass and cool, how much she was trying to impress them... especially her. She saw herself from Faith's eyes, felt the younger slayer's hurt at her sarcastic remarks and unfriendliness, felt Faith's stir of interest toward her in spite of herself... and the brunette's attraction to her.

Buffy felt Faith's heart speed its beats when Buffy smiled at her in the next several flashes of memories, felt her skin tingle with pleasure when Buffy slung a casual arm over her shoulders... but just as rapidly she felt Faith's deeply settling hurt and rage after Mrs. Post had tricked her. She felt her loneliness and pride, bitterness and despair, when Buffy walked out of her motel room afterwards, leaving her there alone. She felt Faith's intense desire for her to turn around, to come back to her... and simultaneouslhy, her fierce refusal to call Buffy back.

Buffy felt the light-hearted delight swelling in Faith's heart as she stepped out into the snow on Christmas Eve, her surprised amazement even as a wistful wanting for something the brunette herself could not name twisted in her chest. She felt Faith's arousal, her needy, desperate attempts to gratify herself as she slept with Xander, then her panic afterward at the realization of what she had done, what he might now expect to be able to do to her. She saw her own self again through Faith's eyes as Faith danced with her, as Faith's joyful adrenaline and strong desire ran vividly through her chest and torso...

And then Buffy was unable to move, unable to think; she could feel her breath barely straggling forth, her throat closing with overwhelming panic, overwhelming horror and fear as Faith stood in a dark alley, staring at the stake she had driven into the dying Alan Finch's chest. She could barely feel the 

blood pumping in her veins, adrenaline high; all she could think were Faith's thoughts, thoughts made incoherent with grief and shock. Her heart pounded in Faith's motel room as she frantically scrubbed her bloody shirt in the sink, guilt battling out over denial and being deliberately shoved aside. She felt Faith's panic and sense of betrayal as she, Buffy, confronted her, accusing her, forcing her to face up to a harsh reality Faith could not yet handle. She was with her as Faith stood at the Mayor's doorway, her stomach twisting with guilt even as her desperation drove her forward.

Buffy experienced right along with Faith as the Mayor touched her hair, her face, smiling at her warmly, telling her she was beautiful, loving her in a way that Faith had never experienced before. She felt Faith's shy disbelief at his kindness, her need for his approval, his love and acceptance of her- for ANYONE'S love and acceptance of her. But even so, she also felt Faith's strong, confusing blend of anger, hurt, and desire as thoughts of Buffy clouded her mind.

And then she was on the rooftop, facing her own self in Faith's view for the final time. Faith's bitterness rolled through her, her aggression and rage towards Buffy... but also Faith's hurt, her lingering attraction to her and her wistful desire that everything could have gone differently. Most vivid of all, though, Buffy felt Faith's despair, her strong wish to just die, to be killed and have it all over with. She heard Faith's thoughts running in a frantic, nearly nonsensical chant in her mind until she felt her mind would implode.

Save me, kill me, save me, kill me...save me kill me save me kill me save me...

Save me...

Kill me...

All the emotions, all the memories and thoughts, visions and anguishes of Faith's past year filled Buffy all at once, swelling inside her as her heart raced, her eyes wide and horrified even as the tears poured from them uncontrollably. She could barely sense Faith watching her, dark eyes still bearing hard into hers as Buffy trembled harshly, weeping, unable to stand the pain any longer.

"No," she managed to choke out, "Oh god, no... I c-can't do this, I can't t-take this, oh my god, no... Faith, no, Faith, please..."

Closing her eyes tightly, but unable to vanish Faith's memories, unable to close off her emotions, Buffy shook with her sobs. She couldn't take it... she couldn't...

Without thinking about it, without hardly realizing she was doing it, she found herself lifting her hand, and with her other hand, jerkily jabbing at the implanted chip. Before she could make sense of it, she could feel herself spinning, and once more she was falling, spiraling down into nothingness.


	15. Chapter 15

"Dark Blue" by No Doubt

I'm tired from exploring you  
I'm sorry you've had some scary days  
I'm lucky, they had me on a leash  
Exposing, sometimes you frighten me

And it's too bad  
You're so sad  
I wish you could have had what I had

I'm loathing most of your history  
Hesitation, but then you siphon me  
Your potential, well I'll indulge in that  
Violent timing explains the aftermath

And it's too bad  
You're so sad  
I wish you could have had what I had

And it's so sad,  
It's too bad  
Maybe I can make you feel better  
Oh maybe I'm supposed to make you feel better

I want to comfort you

Unlike you I had it easy  
You're dark blue  
Stained from previous days

And you're so sad  
It's too bad  
I wish you could have had what I had

And it's too bad  
You're so sad  
Maybe I can make you feel better

I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry  
I'm sorry

Chapter 15

Buffy returned to consciousness with a loud gasp escaping her; had she not been suspended in the air, held immobile by the connecting wires and cables, she would have been thrashing, struggling to sit up, to get to her feet, to instinctively attempt to flee from her own lingering emotions. Or, really, the lingering emotions and memories of Faith.

As it was she could feel herself being slowed moved downward even as the metal tables rose up to meet her body, stopping under back. She only vaguely felt the cold hardness under back, the new slackness of the cables on her limbs. At the moment she was still too caught up in her pain- in Faith's pain- still struggling to separate herself mentally and emotionally from the other girl.

She could feel her tears still streaming down her face, could hear Catherine and Miriam hurrying into the transferral room with Giles on their heels. Through blurring vision she could barely see Catherine undoing her connectors, Miriam checking her pulse, peering into her face. She could not see the overweening concern on Giles's face, but she knew he was hovered nearby, could hear him asking anxious questions. Miriam and Catherine were as well, but Buffy couldn't answer, couldn't make sense of their words. Her memories of being inside- of BEING Faith- were mercifully fading, did not feel quite so real and all-encompassing, but her strong emotions remained with Buffy, distressing and disorienting her as she gradually became aware that she was no longer inside Faith's mind- but she also had not brought Faith back with her.

For several minutes Buffy could not speak, was unable to even comprehend the others' questions; her heart was beating at a frantic speed, her throat choking, and her chest and stomach felt as though they were being crushed by a heavy, painful weight. Nothing seemed quite as real to her as how badly she hurt; she was no longer even sure if it was Faith's hurt, her own, or a combination.

Faith...

After a few minutes of confused, nearly hysterical crying, as the three adults looked on, deeply concerned and bewildered, Buffy's thought and anxieties finally turned to the other slayer. She had not gotten her out, Faith was still in there... was she okay? How could she be- how could she ever have been after what Buffy had seen, what she had experienced through her?!

Slightly more composed, but still agitated, Buffy turned her head towards her sister slayer, suddenly frantic to know how she was. As she had known, Faith was still motionless, still deep in her comatose state... but now Buffy saw to her horror that the brunette's face was pulled into a taut look of what seemed to be fear or anguish... and there were dried tears on her sunken cheeks.

Looking over at her, Buffy's heart wrenched... struggling to sit up on the table, she tried to jump off to thefloor, intending to go to her, but both Catherine's and Miriam's hands moved to take her shoulders, holding her back.

"Hang on, honey, where are you heading?" Miriam asked her gently, meaning to sound soothing; the sound of her voice only further agitated Buffy.

"Faith- Faith, I have to go to her, I need to see her, let me go see her!" Buffy cried, her voice both tighter and higher than she had wanted it to be as she twisted her shoulders under the woman's hands, her struggles somewhat weaker than her usual efforts would have been.

"Buffy, why don't you rest a few minutes first?" Catherine asked her, and the tone of her voice, nearly identical to Miriam's, infuriated Buffy. They were acting like a child, or a dangerous, unbalanced adult. "You're still upset, still a little shaky in your movements. Why don't you lie still for a moment and gather yourself, and then you can tell us what happened-"

"No! No, there's not time for that, let me go to her NOW! I need to see her NOW! She's crying, she's hurt- I have to see her NOW!" Buffy almost shouted, shoving their hands off her and starting to roll to the floor, but as she landed, stumbling slightly, they grabbed her by the arms.

"Buffy, Faith isn't crying right now," Catherine said in the same soft, maddeningly gentle tone, "she was earlier, but she isn't right now. We'll look her over in a minute if you'd like, but right now we're worried about YOU. We'd like to know what has happened to you-"

"That's the damn problem, you're all worried about me, none of you is looking at her, nobody seems to care too much about HER!" Buffy burst out with, glaring at them both even as her voice reflected her 

frustration. "That's the way it's ALWAYS been! No WONDER she- god, this is our fault, it was our fault. It was my fault..."

Her breathing was beginning to speed up again, coming nearly in pants, and she could feel herself tearing up again, almost letting them fall. Catherine, Miriam, even Giles, they were all watching her with such concern, even wariness in the women's cases, and this only served to upset Buffy further. Not a single one of them understood, none of them had seen...

"Buffy, maybe if you sit down and tell us-"

"No, no, Catherine," Giles interrupted, and his voice was quiet as well, thoughtful, even as his brow furrowed in confusion and his eyes reflected his own questions and worry for Buffy. "Catherine, Miriam- I think you should let her go now. Let her go to Faith."

Catherine frowned; both she and Miriam retained their grip on Buffy's arms, a grip Buffy was having a very difficult time from restraining herself not to hurt them to remove. "Rupert- are you-"

"Yes," Giles said evenly, his eyes going first to Catherine's eyes, and then settling on the hazel ones of his former slayer. "Yes Catherine, let her go to her."

Catherine hesitated, looking down at Buffy, who tried to slow her breathing, to make herself appear calmer, in control. Slowly the older woman removed her hand, and a few seconds later, Miriam folllowed suit. Buffy went to Faith with slightly unsteady legs, for a moment just staring down at her, blinking against a new rise of tears. She put her arms around her suddenly and impulsively, cradling the supine girl's head and shoulders to her chest as she lay her cheek on Faith's dark head, having to fight even harder to keep back her tears now and feeling a few escape anyway.

"I'm so sorry, Faith," she whispered, her voice cracking. "I'm so sorry..."

The room was silent for a few minutes as Buffy held the unresponsive slayer awkwardly, her raspy, uneven breaths the only audible noise. She could feel the other three watching her, could sense their 

discomfort and quickly growing desire to know and understand what had happened between her and Faith. But right now Buffy couldn't tell them... she wasn't quite she understood it herself.

Finally she heard someone approach her. She knew without looking, even before the hand came to rest caringly on her shoulder, that it was Giles.

"Buffy... I don't want to rush you... but frankly, as you stated, there is not much time. Do you... do you think you can explain what has happened? What you saw, how you interacted with Faith... it would help us to understand," he said, his voice hesitant, awkward, and yet his concern and fatherly feelings for her were conveyed in it as well. "I- well, we can't help but observe that Faith, er, is still in her coma. I'm not blaming you, or saying that you did something wrong... but well, you chose to come back, you activated the implant in your hand, and, well, I think we would all just like to try and understand what happened, if you can tell us."

Buffy took a deep breath, sniffing, taking a few moments to make sure her urge to cry was firmly in control before she carefully disentangled herself from Faith, setting her head and shoulders back down gently and instead reaching for her hand. Squeezing it tightly in hers, she looked over at Giles, trying to stay calm, to keep her voice steady, but hearing it shake despite her efforts.

"I tried," she told him, inhaling slowly and releasing her breath in the same manner. "I tried, I tried to talk to her, I tried to relate to her, to say all the right things so I could bring her back... but there was too much. It was too much, and there were too many of her, it was happening too fast..."

Buffy could feel herself starting to grow upset again as she thought about it, her breath quickening, and she blinked hard against the stubbornly threatening tears. Her voice was still trembling as she tried to push on. "You don't know... you can't understand how awful it was in there. You don't know, it was so awful..."

"Was it very violent?" Catherine asked her softly, for she and Miriam had approached Buffy too, were staying back a slight distance. "Sometimes people who are troubled, or whose minds have been damaged, can have quite disturbing fantasies in comatose states. They may say or do or imagine things that are extremely horrifying to witness."

"Did she do something to you, Buffy?" Giles asked her, his eyes glinting with worry. He was still holding her shoulder in a fatherly, protective manner, his forehead creased. "Did she hurt you, inside her mind, or hurt somebody else- someone you love?"

"What? No!" Buffy exclaimed, blinking, her eyes widening as she stared in turn at the three of them, aghast at their assumptions, even though, a very short time ago, she would have found them to be perfectly reasonable.

"No! No, she didn't- she didn't do anything to me! She didn't do anything- she never did anything! This, it's not me, none of this is for me, it's her..."

She could hear her voice getting higher, faster as she continued to fight down her constant, increasingly urgent need to cry, yet again, and she tried to slow her breathing even as she was aware that it didn't' seem to be working.

"It- it was just so h-horrible, what happened, what was done to her... her whole life, everything! I saw it, I FELT it, Giles, I was there, and I felt everything she was feeling! She... she was in such pain, even when we knew her, and we didn't see it! I didn't see it- I didn't see, and I didn't care, I thought I did, but I didn't. I WOULD have cared, I just didn't know, I couldn't have known... and it was always there, all her life, she had it, all that pain... god, I don't know how she survived, I don't know how she stood it!"

Buffy was only vaguely aware of how hard she was gripping Faith's hand, how rushed her words were, difficult for the others to understand. She continued to speak, her words spewing out in a wave of passionate emotion that she couldn't seem to censor.

"She's in such pain, she has all that pain, and now she's stuck with it, she's stuck inside there, I didn't get her out! She's just reliving it, everything awful that ever happened to her- that all those fucking bastards ever DID to her- and she won't come back, she won't leave it, and I didn't make her, I didn't help her! I don't' think she even thinks she can, I think she thinks she HAS to stay, or she's afraid not to, or-or I don't know! All I know is she isn't HERE, she's still THERE, and I didn't bring her back, I just left her there because it was too damn much for me! Oh god- I have to go back in there, I have to try again! I have to bring her back!"

Dropping Faith's hand, Buffy rushed over to the other table, clumsily climbing back onto it and lying down, feeling her breath shudder through her noisily. When none of the three moved to her side, just stared at her, seeming speechless, she sat up, giving them frustrated yet imploring looks.

"Look, please, hook me back up again- I need to go back in there, now! We have to hurry!"

"Buffy- I'm not sure that's the best idea right now," Giles said slowly,and Miriam quickly backed him up.

"Yes Buffy, this could be very dangerous for you. Several times while you were inside Faith's mind, you were very close to straying into a mindset where you believed in the reality of what you were experiencing. A second time might make it even easier for you to lose focus."

"You already had to activate the implant once, Buffy," Catherine added, her furrowed brow matching Giles's. "We told you that if you needed to do so we would be wary about sending you back in again. When you returned to us, you were very disoriented, very emotional... even if you don't lose track of reality, this could still be very trying for you... especially if you can't bring back Faith."

"But I CAN bring Faith back," Buffy insisted urgently. "I can- I just have to deal better, I have to be ready- look, you have to let me, I can do it if I try again-"

"Buffy... even if you do stay grounded, as Catherine said..." Giles began hesitantly, knowing that his former slayer would not like his words. "What if the mental and emotional strain is too much?"

"It won't be, I won't let it be!" Buffy said quickly, desperately, shaking her head. "Don't worry about me- it's Faith we need to worry about. I have to get her out of there, Giles! You didn't see it- you don't understand!"

"I do understand, Buffy," Giles said quietly, meeting her darting eyes. "You want to help her, to save her. She's your sister slayer, and you have obviously experienced something disturbing inside her mind... but Buffy, you've done your best. You've tried-"

"No, Giles, NO, I haven't!" Buffy interrupted him, her voice rising as she sat up, turning to face him. "I HAVEN'T- none of us have! You don't' get it, you didn't see, you didn't feel it- I HAVE to help her! I HAVE to bring her back with me! I can't leave her there, I CAN'T! And I can't let her die- I can't let the Council kill her! Not when she-"

Buffy's words cut off abruptly, for suddenly she found herself choking on them, unable to say out loud what she was thinking. She couldn't let Faith die... not when she knew that Faith loved her, or had loved her.

She loved me... Faith loved me, or wanted to love me, and I didn't see, I didn't care. I was too stupid and selfish to. All I could think about was Angel, my own life, my own problems... I didn't see...

What would I have done, if I had known? Would everything be different now? Would Faith be awake right now- would she be okay? Or would it have happened anyway- is this the only way I could realize that I love her too?

At that thought, Buffy stiffened, her mind going numb and scattered with astonishment at her own thoughts. Had she REALLY just thought that?! Did she really mean it- did she really love Faith, love her in THAT way? Or was she just overly emotional, confused, like they were trying to tell her?

She didn't know, she just didn't know right now... but as her eyes came to rest on Faith, she knew that knowing for absolute certain how she felt about Faith, whether or not she really loved her like she thought she might didn't matter. All that mattered was she thought she MIGHT... and that should be enough.

She said none of this out loud, of course... instead, she looked back at Giles, Catherine, and Miriam, and she said in a controlled but imploring tone, "All Faith ever wanted was to be accepted, to be loved... and we never did that for her, Giles, none of us did. None of us ever gave her what she needed, and it would have been so easy. I failed her... we all did. And I cannot fail her like that again."

Giles looked at her in silence, measuring her with confliction in his gaze. Finally he nodded slowly, turning to Catherine and Miriam.

"All right... Catherine, Miriam, I think we'd both appreciate it if you would connect her to Faith once more."

Both women's faces jumped in shock, and Catherine frowned, making a noise of protest. "Rupert, she-"

Giles held up a hand, looking at Catherine intently. "No, no, Catherine... she knows the risks. If she's willing to take them... well, then, Buffy, I will trust you."

"Thank you," Buffy said softly, and she could already feel the gratitude for Giles and his support, the relief of being allowed this chance, moving in her chest, balancing out a small amount of her negative emotions. Still, even so, she felt more anxieties arrive as well. How was she going to reach Faith this time, when she had failed to before? What would she do, what would she say, especially knowing now what she did, having bailed out before on her, leaving her alone in her mind?

She worried about it with increasing tension as Catherine and Miriam began to hook her up again, renewing their instructions before exiting the room. And still Buffy did not know...

It wasn't until the table under her was sinking down, until she and Faith were being raised up, and everything was beginning to spiral once more that it came to her. In that dizzying, sightless whirling, everything suddenly came clear to her, and Buffy knew exactly what she needed to do...


	16. Chapter 16

"**Field Of Innocence" by Evanescence**

I still remember the world  
From the eyes of a child  
Slowly those feelings  
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world  
Oh I... I want to go back to  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun  
Always warm on my back  
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
Oh I... I want to go back to  
Believing in everything

Chapter 16

Buffy was in an alley again, the same alley that she first gained awareness in when she first entered Faith's mind. And once again she was lying facedown on its dirty floor, her face only a few inches away from a murky puddle.

What is this, the lobby of Faith's brain? The waiting room? She wondered groggily as she began to get to her feet awkwardly, glancing about herself quickly. Figures… of course a sister slayer can't have something a little nicer, a little cozier. Nope, it's doom and gloom and muckiness all the way…

She was aware of what she was doing, even as she tried to pretend that she wasn't. She was trying to distract herself, to use humor and rambling thoughts to take her mind off her nerves, her anxieties that were split over so many aspects of what she was doing. She was trying to make what she was doing seem less serious, any mistakes she might make less critical…

But they weren't… they weren't, and Buffy knew it. She WAS doing something serious, something critical. She was saving a life- saving Faith's life. Faith, who she cared about deeply. Faith, her sister slayer.

Faith, who she might love…

No- no thinking about that now. You CAN'T think about that now, Buffy. Right now you need to focus on finding Faith… so where is she?

For some reason Buffy couldn't feel the connection of her and Faith's slayer bond when inside Faith's mind. She didn't know if this was because Faith had yet to show up at an age where she was actually a slayer, if Faith was somehow blocking it, or if that was because, being in her mind, she was already so closely connected to Faith that she just didn't need it or didn't notice it. Whatever the reason, Buffy suspected that Faith could still feel her slayer connection to her, however- and she was using that to her advantage, to hide from her.

Faith couldn't be very far away… this was her mind, after all. She was probably lurking in the alley somewhere out of sight, watching, hoping Buffy would go away or something.

Deciding to give this theory a shot, Buffy turned slowly, her eyes probing the alley's length.

"I know you're there, Faith, you might as well come out."

She waited, and for several beats she received no response. She was starting to think that she'd have to try a better hook than that when a figure emerged before her suddenly, sidling up to her slyly, slinkily. Well, as slyly and slinkily as the gangly, curveless body of the preteen Faith's body could do, for the girl before Buffy appeared to be the same twelve-or-thirteen-year-old version of Faith that Buffy had encountered in the same alley before. Only this young version of Faith was not frightened or wary, but rather smirking in cynical amusement; Buffy knew at a glance that the older Faith was once more hiding in her memory-self's eyes.

"Back so soon, B? Guess maybe Twinkie's a little tougher than she looks," Faith drawled, raising an eyebrow at her; while she was still appearing to be twelve years old physically, she was once again using the husky voice of her older self. "Thought I'd chased ya off for good with the little slideshow, you didn't seem to enjoy that too much. Imagine that. But no, here she comes again. SURE ya ain't into S&M?"

"Look, Faith, I know you're in there, and I know it's really you, and you know I know it," Buffy said quietly, looking into the face of the preteen with the eyes of a near adult. "I don't understand why you feel like you have to hide. It would be nice if you let me look at you while I talk to you."

"Oh yeah, you'd like that, would you?" Faith snorted, her lips twisting up in amusement. "Why, you feel like a pervert for wantin' me when I look like this? You afraid you're a pedophile for wantin' to finger-fuck a twelve-year-old? Don't worry, B, you wouldn't be the first."

Buffy felt her face twitch, her features stiffening involuntarily with her shock at Faith's words- not only for their implications of her further abuse, but also for her insinuations about Buffy and Buffy's thoughts. Obviously she had not been having sexual thoughts about Faith, twelve or not, in that moment… but did Faith know what Buffy might feel about her anyway? Had she sensed it somehow, detected it before Buffy herself had caught on? Had Faith known when she was still conscious?

God, if she had… that could only contribute to Faith's bitterness and frustration…

Shaking herself mentally, Buffy forced herself to get her mind back on track. "Stop that, Faith. I don't want to talk to you about that right now," she began calmly, taking a deep breath. "I want-"

"I don't give a shit what you want, BUFFY," Faith cut her off, her amusement gone as her face twisted with anger, her words coming out in a hiss. "Maybe I do- maybe I want to talk about it, because I fuckin' earned the right to! Maybe I want to talk about a drunk guy's hands all over me when I was six, knowin' how to French when I was eight because I had a lot of fuckin' experience. Maybe I want to tell you about bein' fucked when I was nine, and ten, and eleven-"

"No you don't," Buffy interrupted her. Her voice shook, and she fought to steady it, fiercely willing back the strong emotions, the tears that threatened to spill over at Faith's words…. Words she had no doubt were true, even if Faith was using them to hurt her. She knew instinctively that it was vital that she not cringe, not show the revulsion and weakness Faith wanted to provoke in her.

"You don't want to talk about it, Faith," Buffy went on, and her voice was firmer this time, she was in better control. "You never did. You wanted to forget it, to pretend it never happened. And if you couldn't do that, you wanted to lock it up inside, where it only hurt you. You didn't want to talk about it, share it with someone who might be able to help you deal with it. You were afraid to… you hate that I saw that part of you. You hate that I know, so you're trying to shock me, to hurt me-"

"You don't know what the hell you're talkin' about!" Faith blurted, and her expression was defensive, aggressive, but there was also a fear that flashed across her eyes. She still physically appeared to be herself at age twelve, but it seemed more and more obvious to Buffy that this was a façade. She could see the seventeen-year-old Faith in the little-girl Faith's features and expressions, her body language and gestures, and of course, she could hear her in her raspy voice.

"Let me guess, B, you take on intro to psych class in college and you think you got me covered. Go back to school, blondie," Faith sneered, her hands on her straight, narrow hips.

"Faith… Faith, look at me. LISTEN to me," Buffy began, having to take a deep breath before she was calm enough to go on. "What happened to you- what was done to you- was terrible, we both know that, and you're right, I can't ever understand it. And you DO need to have someone see, to have someone emphasize. You do need to deal with it… but, Faith, that isn't what's keeping you here."

"B… B, look at me," Faith began, clearly mocking Buffy's somber words and tone, but Buffy interrupted her, fixing her with a look of such intensity, speaking to her in a tone so fierce, that Faith shut up, staring at her in near-stunned incredulity and unease.

"No, you LISTEN to me, Faith, I MEAN it, listen to me! We don't have time for the hiding and games, the bullshitting and phony badass routine!" Buffy almost yelled, taking a few steps closer to her and looking her squarely in the eyes. The sudden fear she saw flicker across their surface, the way the child's face flinched, as if she were afraid Buffy would hurt her, made Buffy's stomach twinge with combined sympathy and guilt. She ignored it, hurrying on with what she knew she need to say to Faith.

"What happened to you, Faith- it's damaged you emotionally. It's upset you, it's scared you-it's SCARRED you, in all meanings of the words. It's made you angry. But what happened to you as a child, or even as a teenager- what was done to you- it didn't make you turn against yourself, Faith. It didn't make you stop caring what happened to you." Buffy paused, her eyes bearing into Faith's intently as she went on quietly. "It didn't make you want to die."

Faith was staring at her, her preteen-self's features frozen with shock; she seemed temporarily speechless. Buffy wanted to hug her, to stop saying what she knew must be hurting her inside, but she knew she couldn't. It would hurt Faith worse if she stopped right now. Still, it took a very deliberate effort for her to finish her words to her.

"We both know what DID cause you to do those things, Faith. We both know what you're trying to hide from- what you've been hiding from for a while now," Buffy said to her slowly.

"I don't know fuckin' anything, B, and neither do you!" Faith snapped, her eyes sparking, but the panic in them was growing. "You don't know what the hell you're talkin' about-"

"You know that I do," Buffy contradicted her in a low, tight tone, "and I know you do too, Faith, I should have seen this before, I should have realized… maybe all this could have been avoided. There's so much I should have seen-"

"What, didn't get a good enough view already?" Faith snapped. "What are you, a fuckin' Peeping Tonya?"

Buffy ignored her, taking another step towards her. She was standing very close to her now, closer than Faith was comfortable with, and though she did not touch her, she felt her skin ripple with the desire to do so.

"You know we have to go back there, Faith. Both of us… you know that we have."

"No, no, I don't, I don't have to do anything, you can't make me do anything! You can't, B-"

"Yes, you are, Faith, you have to," Buffy persisted, even as she was beginning to worry what she would do if she couldn't, if she just couldn't get Faith to back down. How else could she possibly do this, if not in that way? "You know that you have to, Faith. It's the only way."

Faith was shaking her head rapidly, her tangled locks hitting her face as she dug her fingers into her hair, her still-too-young face twisting in seeming frantic denial. Buffy knew watching her that she had a chance. Something she was saying or doing was getting through to her… something was shaking Faith up, in a way that was necessary for them both…

"No… no, no, fuckin' NO, get out, leave me alone!"Faith was growling, her palms pressing hard against the sides of her head as she continued to shake it back and forth desperately, her voice fast, tripping over itself in its panicked tone. "Get out of my head, get the fuck out of my head! Get out, get OUT! You can't make me do anything, you can't make me go back there! I won't- no- oh shit, no, stop it, STOP IT!"

But even as her raspy voice rose up in a near shrill, and her closed eyes opened wide, nothing Faith said seemed to matter, for it seemed that she was no longer in control- of herself, her emotions, her thoughts and memories, even her own mind. Watching her, Buffy suspected that during all the time she had been with Faith inside her head, the younger girl had never been more than minimally in control anyway. She had deluded herself into believing she was, and managed only to further entrap herself. Now that this illusion was breaking down, Faith was clearly distressed…

And it WAS breaking down, everything around them was shifting and changing, rearranging in design and detail… Buffy stood very still, very close to Faith as she fought vertigo, fought to remain firmly standing as everything around her moved freely. She wanted to close her eyes, but dared not- she didn't want to miss anything that might happen, nor take her eyes off of Faith. She wanted also to 

grab the other girl's arm or shoulder to keep herself steady, but this too Buffy resisted, for she still was not certain of how Faith might react at this point to being touched.

God I hope I do know what I'm doing… I hope that all this is taking us to where we need to be…

As their surroundings finally settled themselves into one firmly solid, unmoving scene, Buffy regained her balance, feeling her dizziness slowly fade as she looked around them carefully. As she had both hoped and dreaded, she was right. They were still in an alley, but a different alley, an alley from a different city, in a different state, from a memory that had taken place years later in Faith's life… a memory that Buffy shared as well. A memory that had forever changed the course of Faith's life, catapulting her descent into doing the things that put here where she was now… trapped, in every way a person could be.

Yes.. this was the alley- this was the memory- where Alan Finch had died. This was where Faith had accidentally killed a man, and thus forth given up on everything she had previously held onto so fiercely…

Despite everything else that had happened to Faith, despite all the other suffering she had gone through before… this, Buffy knew, had been the catalyst of her downslide into immoral decisions. Oh, everything else had contributed, including Buffy herself, in a major way… but it was here, at this spot, during this memory, that Faith gave up on herself. It was here that she began, whether consciously or not, to continually push herself towards death.

And Buffy had nearly obliged her.

To be continued

Author notes: I know, I KNOW you're going to kill me. But this is such a freakin' long chapter I broke it up into two parts… I'll try to get the next one out as soon as possible, promise!


	17. Chapter 17

**"Where Will You Go" by Evanescence**

You're too important for anyone  
You play the role of all you long to be  
But I, I know who you really are  
You're the one who cries when you're alone

_Chorus:_  
But where will you go  
With no one left to save you from yourself  
You can't escape  
You can't escape

You think that I can't see right through your eyes  
Scared to death to face reality  
No one seems to hear your hidden cries  
You're left to face yourself alone

_Chorus:_  
But where will you go (where will you go)  
With no one left to save you from yourself  
You can't escape  
The truth  
I realize you're afraid (I realize)  
But you can't abandon everyone  
You can't escape  
You don't want to escape

I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands  
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone?  
I can hear you when you whisper  
But you can't even hear me screaming

_Chorus:_

Chapter 17

Buffy made herself look at the body before her, the vacant eyes of what had once been a human being; she made herself look at the stake embedded deeply into his heart, the blood stains spread widely around its blunt end. She made herself take in every grim detail of the figure before them…

And then she turned to Faith, her eyes softer, pained, but there was also a firmness underlying her gentle tone.

"You have to face what happened, Faith. You did this. You killed a man, a human being, and you lied about it, you covered it up so no one would know. Later you did other things; you killed the professor, you hurt people, you planned on killing more. You aligned yourself with an evil that wanted to massacre the entire town. All of that was obviously bad, Faith, but we're not going to focus on that now. We don't need to."

She looked into Faith's eyes, slightly startled- for somehow in the middle of her words, Faith had shifted too, and she was now looking not at Preteen Faith's body, but seventeen-year-old Faith's… the Faith Buffy knew, the Faith that had done the deeds Buffy described. The other girl's eyes were huge, her pale face tightly drawn in shock and petrified horror; she did not look at Buffy, but rather at the body at their feet. Watching her, Buffy felt pangs of empathy pricking her chest. She wanted to stop talking, to spare Faith any further pain… but that was the worst thing she could do for her right now, and she knew it.

"I'm not blaming you entirely for what you did, Faith," Buffy went on quietly. "Because honestly, I don't think it was all your fault, or even all under your control. Not anymore. We… I think we all shared a responsibility, to a degree. Even… even me. Especially me…"

She paused, taking a steadying breath before she was able to move on.

"And- and I'm sorry. Listen to me- I forgive you for what you did, while- while with the Mayor. I forgive you, do you hear me, Faith? I might… I might not entirely understand, but I'm trying to. But Faith- none of that is really what we need to talk about right now. None of that is really the issue. What we need to talk about is what happened right here, right now… because this is where it all started."

Buffy took another slow breath, taking another step closer to where Faith stood trembling, wordless, all former cockiness and sneering aggression gone entirely from her posture and expression. Taking in another slow breath, gazing into Faith's tormented eyes seriously, Buffy reached carefully to touch Faith's cheek. She kept her fingertips there lightly as Faith's eyes flickered towards her rapidly, her stomach squishing with unease at what she saw in their depths.

"Faith," she told her, her voice strangely hushed, "I don't forgive you for what you did to Alan… not because it's so horrible that I can't, but because I never needed to. It was an accident. You didn't want to or mean to kill him, and I understand that. But I don't think you do… I don't think you ever forgave yourself, did you?"

Faith sucked in a slow, shuddering breath, held it; Buffy could feel her cheek moving jerkily beneath her fingers as the girl tensed, blinking rapidly, seeming to be trying to speak and having great 

difficulty. Buffy took her hand with away, watching her closely, waiting with an apprehension matched only by her steadily increasing empathy for Faith's inner struggling.

"No- no," Faith croaked out at last, her voice hoarse and cracking badly. "No, I didn't want- I didn't mean… I didn't know. I didn't… I shouldn't have… god, oh god… why are you doin' this to me? Why are you fuckin' DOIN' this to me?! Stop it! Stop it, just stop, STOP IT!"

Buffy heard Faith's voice break, saw her eyes well with tears, then spill over as Faith turned jerkily, seeming to have difficulty tearing her eyes away from the corpse before her. She started to stumble blindly down the alley, her movements clumsy, bred of panic and emotion so extreme it hampered her movements. She had only gone a few steps before she stumbled, her knees buckling beneath her, and she fell onto them heavily, catching herself with the palms of her hands. She did not try to get up. Instead, she remained hunched over on her knees on the filthy alley floor, her long hair hanging in her face as she began to weep more forcefully, in the loud desperate cries of a girl who had broken something vital inside herself… or perhaps, had had something broken down. Buffy could see her trembling heavily even through her bulky leather jacket.

Buffy felt the tears brimming in her own eyes as she looked at the sobbing girl a few feet from her, a girl in pain she knew she could never understand or relate to. Buffy herself had gone through more than her share of pain in her life, especially since having become a slayer… but she knew, she understood now that hers was different, hers would never be the same as or even comparably equal Faith's, what Faith had been subjected to nearly from the start of her life.

Watching her, Buffy's heart squeezed with an empathy for her that was physically painful… and without thinking about it any further, she found herself going to Faith, pulling her into her arms and trying to hold her, to comfort her, show the caring and support that the younger slayer had so seldom received in her life.

As she could have predicted, Faith did not passively allow Buffy to hug her at first; rather, she twisted in her arms almost frantically, trying to push her aside, to scramble to her feet even as she retained little control or strength in her movements, even as her chest and rib cage heaved with her little gasping cries.

"No, no, stop it, let me go- no, don't touch me!" she cried out shrilly, as she strained against Buffy's arms, trying to duck under or break through them. "Don't touch me, don't do this, I don't want this, I don't deserve this, don't TOUCH me, B…"

But Buffy held onto her with all her strength, tightening her arms around her, pinning Faith in a strong embrace against her chest. She could feel Faith's heart hammering too hard, too fast in the other girl's chest, could feel hers matching its beat in her own. She was very aware of Faith's body writhing in her 

arms, so close to hers, even as she concentrated on just maintaining her hold, just keeping back the tears that might weaken her own resistance.

Finally Faith's struggles lessened, weakened, until she was not fighting Buffy anymore at all. Her grip on Buffy slackened, and she went limp, her face crumpling once more as she resumed her harsh crying from before, her body quivering violently against Buffy's in the circle of her arms.

"No… no, no, no…" she wept, and Buffy sank back in some relief onto her haunches, gentling her hold somewhat as she held Faith to her, beginning to stroke her hair and shoulders.

"No… no, I didn't mean it, I didn't want… I'm sorry, I'm so damn sorry, oh god…"

"Shhh, it's okay, baby, it's okay," Buffy told her softly, hearing her own voice shake a little as she blinked against tears, feeling one fall in spite of her efforts. "I know, I know you didn't, baby, I know…"

"It-it should have been me," Faith sobbed, clutching Buffy in a panicky desperation as she buried her face against Buffy's chest, her words muffled but still audible, intelligible to Buffy's slayer hearing. "I-I was the one who deserved this… that's why I'm h-here, I c-can't leave, I have to stay, I d-deserve to stay…"

"No, no, baby, don't say that!" Buffy cried in horror at the other girl's words, and she hugged her to her fiercely, hurriedly caressing her hair, her back and shoulders and arms, trying to soothe her, to convince her. She HAD to convince her, she HAD to straighten out things in Faith's mind, or she would never be able to bring her back…

"Don't say that, baby," Buffy almost sobbed as Faith burrowed against her, and she continued to hold her, continued to caress her caringly. "It's not true. It's not true, Faith, listen to me, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve ANY of this. It's okay, it's going to be okay. You didn't mean to, I know that, I know you're sorry-"

"It's not enough, B, it's not good enough, n-nothin' I do is good enough to make up for it!" Faith cried, barely able to draw in enough breath to form her words. "I can't do it, I can't m-make it up, none of it, I can't repay it no matter what I try to do! I c-can't go back, B, I can't… don't you see, I GOTTA die, I G-GOTTA let them kill me, that's the only way I can repay, that's the only way I can even things out!"

"Oh no," Buffy gasped, her heart wrenching at Faith's anguished words, "oh no, Faith, no…"

She didn't attempt to stop her tears now, just let them fall, dripping off her chin onto Faith's dark head. She didn't think she could have stopped them now if she had tried.

"Faith…" she managed to force the words out, hearing how badly they shook but unable to do anything about it. "Faith, you can't ever make anything up by dying. If-if you really think that you have to… if you really th-think you have to repay w-what you've done… the- the only way y can do that is by living. You have to keep going, keep living… you have t-to help people. Save lives… you can't repay death w-with more death, but with life. Faith, you've got to come back with me," Buffy pleaded, and her voice dropped down lower, almost a whisper. "We NEED you, Faith… I… I need you. I… I l-love you…

None of those last few words had been planned; Buffy was as stunned as Faith was when they emerged from her mouth. She could feel Faith stiffen with shock in her arms, could hear her sharp intake of breath as she raised her head, meeting Buffy's eyes with her own.

And then suddenly Buffy was cupping Faith's face in her hand, tilting her head up as her lips went to meet the other girl's. She was kissing her, kissing her with a hunger and near desperation that almost frightened herself- for this too had been unplanned.

At first Faith's mouth was slack, unresponsive, and she was rigid in Buffy's embrace. Her eyes widened, and Buffy could feel her heart in her chest through their clothes, beating harder and faster than ever. But just when Buffy was sure that Faith was going to pull away, she leaned into her, returning her kisses with an almost hungry neediness. Buffy could taste a saltiness about her, perhaps from her tears, and she intertwined her fingers in Faith's hair as she moved her lips in a rapid rhythm against Faith's lips, massaging her tongue with her own…

But then quite abruptly everything was changing again, their surroundings were shifting as everything began to grow less distinct in Buffy's view… she pulled her face away from Faith's, clutching the other girl to her and vaguely feeling Faith trying to hold on as well, but she was already being torn away from her, already fading along with everything around them.

"No! Faith!" Buffy screamed, "FAITH!"

But her voice was echoing, distant, for she was falling once more, alone, separate and separated from Faith entirely…


	18. Chapter 18

**"Joining You" by Alanis Morissette**

dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic  
saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself  
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had  
this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they're in shock  
they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama  
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion  
if we were our bodies  
if we were our futures  
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you  
if we were our culture  
if we were our leaders  
if we were our denials i'd be joining you  
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know  
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense  
you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful  
if we were our nametags  
if we were our rejections  
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you  
if we were our indignities  
if we were our successes  
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you  
you and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything  
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive  
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon  
we need to find like-minded companions  
if we were their condemnations  
if we were their projections  
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you  
if we were our incomes  
if we were our obsession  
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you

Chapter 18

When Buffy returned to consciousness- to reality, as it would usually be defined- for the second time in the transferral room, there was not nearly as much lingering disorientation or weakness as she had experienced before, when still under the influence of feeling Faith's emotion through her memories. This time, though, her mind was still racing, frantic, unbelieving, her thoughts and feelings were her own, her senses clearly defined and logical. If anything she was too aware of everything- the feel of the cables on her as she was slowly lowered, the shocking cold of the metal table rising to meet her back, her heart beating 

wildly in her chest… and above all, Buffy was made too aware that she was no longer with Faith, no longer inside her somehow, for some reason, she was no longer in her mind. Somehow she was back in the real world…

But what about Faith? Where was she?

Buffy began to move about, trying to sit up, trying to yank out the wires thoughtlessly, even though she logically knew that she should not be trying to take them off by herself. She could hear Catherine and Miriam call out sharply for her to stop as they rushed over to her, into the transferral room, but she ignored them. She was trying to roll over, to sit, to do anything that would turn her enough so that she could see Faith on the other table.

"Where is she?" she asked them, and her voice was not so much upset or hysterical as infuriated, her tone dark, almost a hiss. "Where is she, where is Faith, what just happened, WHERE IS FAITH?!"

"Buffy…" she heard Giles's voice say tentatively, and she realized that he must be in the room took, even as Miriam and Catherine reached her side, attempting both to hold her down and also to remove her cables and connectors at the same time.

"Buffy, just hold on a minute, lie down. You need to calm down a minute, relax-" Miriam began, but Buffy was not listening, would have none of their attempts to soothe her- attempts that sounded to Buffy rather like patronizing. Shrugging them off her roughly and nearly tearing a few wires with her haste, Buffy managed to struggle to a sitting position, turning to look in Faith's direction. Her heart lodged itself in her throat when she saw that Faith was indeed still lying there, motionless in her comatose state; the only visible change she could see in her were the fresher tears on her cheeks.

"Oh no, no, NO!" Buffy barely was able to gasp out, hearing the horror in her own words, hardly able to draw in another breath. For a few seconds she was paralyzed with her sickening dread, the knowledge that somehow, for some indecipherable reason, she had failed Faith again. She had not brought her back- AGAIN…

Why?! How could this have happened- how the hell could this have happened?! She hadn't activated the chip, she KNEW she hadn't! You couldn't activate it by just touching or brushing it, as she should have figured out from picking things up and touching people… 

touching Faith. Fuck, she had held Faith's hand, held her in her arms, and it hadn't gone off! You had to take it and JAB it, hard, and she hadn't done that, Buffy KNEW she hadn't!

So why the hell was she here? Why wasn't Faith?!

"What is this, what the hell IS this?! What is going on, what the hell just happened?!" Buffy nearly yelled, her voice rising up shriller than she had anticipated- not that she had put much thought into her words before she spewed them forth, of course. "What am I DOING here?! Why am I HERE, what the hell just happened to make me here? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!"

"Shhh," Catherine said to her in a soft voice that Buffy knew was supposed to be soothing; she even went so far as to stroke her arm gently as she and Miriam continued to quickly unhook her, still also attempting to keep Buffy from jumping off the table and running straight to Faith's side. "Buffy, honey, you need to stay put, we need to look you over-"

"You don't need to do anything to me, I'm FINE! But what about Faith, why aren't you looking over FAITH, she didn't come back with me! Why didn't she come back with me?! Is she okay- what's wrong with her?! What's wrong, what is going on?" Buffy asked them, her words getting more rushed and anxious as she went on. She pushed the two older woman away from her easily, then yanking off her last two wires and swinging her legs off the side of the table in preparation to jump down. She was only partially aware of Catherine and Miriam's startlement at her sudden coherence and insistence, at her admittedly not-so-gentle shoving. The two women stood near her, their hands reaching for her as if they planned to try to take hold of her but could not quite bring themselves to do so.

It was not they, but Giles who touched Buffy again, gently stopping her from jumping to the floor. She knew from the wordless caring, yet firmness behind the touch that it was her former Watcher's hands holding her shoulders, even without turning to see who stood behind her.

"Buffy… Buffy, my dear, I do not know what you have just emerged from, nor what Faith has experienced, whether or not alongside you, but I assure you that Miriam and Catherine have been tracking her. She has not changed in her condition."

"That's the damn problem, Giles!" Buffy nearly shouted, turning to face him with a violent twist, but he held onto her, looking back at her with a gravity and sorrow in his eyes. Seeing this only made the tightness in Buffy's chest worsen, and she blinked against her sudden, entirely unwelcome tears, sucking in her breath quickly.

"Giles… Giles, I don't understand what just happened," Buffy almost whispered, hearing the weakness sounding in her tone as she blinked again, trying desperately not to give into the frustrated tears sliding up her throat, building beneath her eyes. "Why am I here, I don't understand it… I'm here, and Faith isn't. She's still back there! I don't understand, Giles… I didn't activate the chip. I DIDN'T, I know I didn't…"

Her voice broke, and she slumped under Giles's hands, pressing her lips together tightly. As Giles somewhat awkwardly yet with clear concern for her squeezed her shoulders, she heard Catherine say something in her soft voice that made her sit up in a hurry, her eyes shooting up to the other woman's face in incredulity.

"No, dear, we know you didn't activate the chip. We did."

"W-what?" Buffy stuttered, her hazel eyes widening as they locked with the doctor's dark gaze. "What are you talking about, what do you mean YOU did it? How could YOU do it? WHY would you do it?!"

"We were watching the scans of your brain, like usual," Miriam began to explain in a reassuring tone rather similar to Catherine's- a tone they had used with her way more than Buffy was willing to accept since she'd first started her expeditions into Faith's head. "And remember how we told you before that the last time you were inside Faith's head, you got very close to straying into a danger zone, where you believed that what you saw and experienced was real? Well, Buffy, this time you didn't just stray close into that area… you crossed over, right in the middle of it."

"We had to pull you out of Faith's mind immediately, Buffy," Catherine took over for her, still looking with a soft sympathy into Buffy's eyes. "We told you that if you began to cross into that sort of thinking- that if you became at any time to be so involved inside Faith's mind that you began to forget that it wasn't real, that we would have to pull you out right away. It would be too dangerous, too foolish to allow you to remain in there, where you could be badly hurt."

For several moments Buffy could only sit there, her body very still, her face slack as their words sank into her, slowly digesting their meaning. They had DELIBERATELY taken her from Faith's mind… THEY had taken her out, THEY had pulled her away. THEY were the reason that Faith was not here with her, that she still lay in a coma… because THEY had PULLED HER OUT, before Buffy had fully reached her…

It was their fault… whatever happened, anything at all, it was their fault…

"Oh my god- oh god, you've got to be KIDDING me! I had REACHED her- I had REACHED her, I wouldn't have gotten hurt! She wouldn't have hurt me! God, I had got THROUGH to her, I was fucking HOLDING her!" Buffy practically shrieked, her face flushing, fists knotting at her sides with her anger. "She was HERSELF again, she was seventeen, and I'd finally got her, got through to her, I was HOLDING her, and she was CRYING, and I was this close- I was THIS FUCKING CLOSE to bringing her back, and you just fucking RUINED IT!"

Without quite realizing what she was doing, Buffy found herself attempting once more to leap off from the table, to make her way with no small aggression over to Catherine and Miriam a short space apart from her. She wasn't planning to hurt them, exactly, though the desire entered her mind; she wasn't PLANNING on anything, actually, but rather acting on impulse. She meant to maybe grab them, maybe shove them against the wall and push her face into theirs to scare them a little. But she had barely felt her feet touch the floor when she felt Giles's arms go around her in a tight bear hug, pinning her arms to her sides.

It was her only deeply engrained love and respect for the man that kept Buffy from breaking his arms, and even so it was a close recall. As it was, she had to force herself to go rigid to keep from struggling and accidentally hurting him badly- something that in her emotional mindset she could quite easily and unintentionally do.

"Giles- let go of me NOW," she hissed through gritting teeth, then gave a sudden, forceful twist of her body that should have broken Giles's hold without hurting him. To her amazement, his arms held, and he only grunted. Damn, had he been working out in his newly unemployed state or something?

"I will, Buffy, when you have regained enough control to realize that being a slayer does not give one the right to commit homicide," Giles retorted sharply, not relaxing his hold.

Buffy gritted her teeth, feeling every muscle of her face draw together tautly with her angry frustration.

"Giles, there is no damn time to fight you!"

"Precisely, Buffy," Giles said distinctly, and even without being able to see, Buffy knew the reproving look that would be in his eyes… the look that had never before failed to shut her down, shame her. Never, until today.

Regardless, she knew however reluctantly she might be to admit it, that Giles was right. Getting enraged and hurting people would do nothing to help Faith… in fact, it would only hurt her. For how willing would Catherine and Miriam be to set things right if Buffy flipped out on them?

It was several minutes before Buffy had managed to calm down her breathing, force back the worse of her rage. She knew that Giles could sense it as well, for his hold on her loosened, and he murmured in her ear, "There you are, Buffy, please, stay calm."

"You," Buffy growled at the two women doctors, who had been standing rather closer than they normally would have, rather uneasy, judging from their raised eyebrows and widened eyes. "You- you just yanked me out of there, without me telling you to… when I was about TWO MINUTES from bringing her back! If you hadn't been quite so freakin' helpful and had a little more faith in me and knowing what I'm doing in there-"

"Buffy-" Giles began quietly, and Catherine echoed, "Buffy, we had no way of knowing what it was you were experiencing inside Faith's mind. Especially considering the girl in question we are working with here. It would have been unethical, frankly, for us to allow you to stay in there when you might be coming to harm."

"Oh, but it's NOT unethical to allow a girl in a coma to just die?" Buffy shot back, her voice rising. She felt Giles's hand squeeze her shoulders, warning her to calm down again, and she stiffened, drawing in a shallow breath.

"Buffy, you couldn't have brought Faith back if you forgot that whatever was happening wasn't real," Miriam pointed out, and the very logic in her tone angered Buffy further.

"That's what you don't' get- I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED!" she hissed. "Look, I don't have time for this. I have to go back in there, I have to get her out before it's too late. Hook me back up."

Both Catherine and Miriam were watching her, their faces sympathetic, but also resolute in a way that Buffy was suddenly suspicious of.

"We can't do that, Buffy," Catherine said quietly, and Buffy's eyes darted over to her face, hard and fierce with her emotion.

"Yes, you can, Catherine- DR. DEAN," she said, deliberately emphasizing the woman's title. "You did it before, you sent me back before. I told you, I don't care about the risks, I will take them. Now PLEASE send me back in."

"She's right, Buffy," Miriam backed her up, her eyes intense as she judged Buffy's reaction warily but not ungently. "I'm sorry, but we can't send you back in there again."


	19. Chapter 19

Underneath it all by No Doubt

There's times where I want something more  
Someone more like me  
There's times when this dress rehearsal  
Seems incomplete  
But, you see the colors in me like no one else  
And behind your dark glasses you're...  
You're something else

Chorus:  
You're really lovely  
Underneath it all  
You want to love me  
Underneath it all  
I'm really lucky  
Underneath it all  
You're really lovely

You know some real bad tricks  
And you need some discipline  
But, lately you've been trying real hard  
And giving me your best  
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep  
That I've ever had  
And when it's really bad  
I guess it's not that bad

(Repeat Chorus)

So many moons that we have seen  
Stumbling back next to me  
I've seen right through and underneath  
And you make me better  
I've seen right through and underneath  
And you make me better  
Better... better...

Lady Saw:  
You are my real Prince Charmin'  
Like the heat from the fire  
You were always burnin'  
And each time you're around  
My body keeps stalin'  
For your touch  
Your kisses and your sweet romancin'  
There's an underside to you  
That so many adore  
Aside from your temper  
Everything else secure  
You're good for me, baby  
Oh that, I'm sure  
Over and over again  
I want more  


Gwen:  
You've used up all your coupons  
And all you've got left is me  
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness  
I guess it's meant to be

Buffy felt her heart seize up in her chest; for a moment she was sure they were only joking, playing some stupid, very unfunny prank on her. But no, they were looking at her with very solemn, serious eyes, clearly meaning what they said.

"Yes you can," she said stridently, "yes you can, you CAN send me back, you did it before! You can send me back, you did it before! It won't be dangerous, and if it is I will take full responsibility for whatever happens to me! Just SEND ME BACK!"

"Buffy, I wish we could, honestly I do," Catherine said softly, sadly, and the regret in her eyes told Buffy that this was true. "But we simply can't. I'm sorry, but we can't. Beyond the fact that it IS too dangerous, that you HAVE already gone in twice, already once lost yourself in unreality while inside and several times drawn very close to doing so- beyond all that, I simply could not allow you to. Both on a person and professional level. As an experimentalist and psychiatrist I could not put a civilian, an inexperienced one at that, under such a compromising situation for a third time. Considering the effect it had on you the first two times, I could not in good conscience send you in again. You would almost certainly lose focus again, and I may not be able to save you the next time in time for you to return unharmed. I could lose my license just for allowing you to do this at all- both of us could, Buffy. Do you understand that?" Catherine asked her seriously, looking her in the eye. "We have done what we could to help you- to help your friend Faith as well. But I, personally, cannot let you go back in there- my conscience above all else would not allow it."

"She's right," Miriam agreed, her expression nearly mirroring her co-worker's. "I'm sorry, Buffy, but we just can't do it."

Hearing their declarations in such a manner that they seemed distant, nearly echoing, as if they had travelled through a tunnel before reaching her ears, Buffy felt her anger slowly draining away from her, being replaced by an icy fear and dread that ran up her veins, stiffening her spine and features. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be… they had to let her go back in. They had to send her in, they HAD to…

Spinning around to face Giles, whose hands had loosened on her shoulder when she had stopped acting in an aggressive manner, Buffy looked at him with pleading panic flashing across her eyes.

"Giles… Giles, tell them they have to do this, tell them they have to send me back. I HAVE to go back, Giles, I have to save her. Please… I have to."

She heard her voice waver, felt the tears threatening once more. And Giles was just looking at her with a regret and sadness in his eyes that nearly closed over Buffy's throat with her dread of his words to come…

"Buffy…" he began, and he was already shaking his head, already dashing any hopes she might have of his taking her side against the doctors again. "I can't do that for you, Buffy. They are correct, they have already risked more than we have a right to expect of them just by doing this at all, let alone sending you back in the second time. And they are also correct in their assessment of the risks, the level of danger you would be in if they sent you into Faith's mind for a third time. Especially as physically and emotionally worn as you must be now-"

"Giles, I can handle it," Buffy interjected desperately. "You have to, you have to let me- I've done risk and danger a thousand times-"

"Buffy… this time is different," Giles said softly, and the compassion and sympathy in his voice, his gaze, was so strong that Buffy had to look away to keep her tears held in check. "Always before, even with risks, you could balance the dangers to yourself against your own personal well-being as well as those you were trying to save. In every other circumstance I could trust that you would do all you could to protect others, but that you would not neglect defending and protecting yourself in the process. In this case, I do not trust that this will still hold true."

He paused, and his voice was softer still when he continued. "I believe that right now, my dear, after seeing what you have seen in Faith's mind, your feelings towards her, your connections to her, are so strong that you cannot keep your own safety in mind. And Buffy, I cannot risk losing you by allowing you to go back in there. Not as your former Watcher, but as a friend, someone who's looking out for you."

He hesitated again, and she could tell by the way his hands drifted towards his face that he had an urge to take off his glasses to clean them, but was suppressing it.

"As-as someone who loves you as though you were his own."

Buffy did not reply; she could only stand there, looking back at him mutely with a still-blocked throat passage and the beginnings of a headache from forcing back tears. What could she say, after that? What could she possibly say?

"And if we lose you inside Faith's mind, Buffy, we lose Faith as well," Giles continued quietly, still watching Buffy closely, seeming to be gauging her emotions carefully. "Don't forget that. We are not going to give up on Faith, Buffy, or helping her. We still have two days left, and we'll do anything we can to try and bring her back. You're not the only person available to send into her mind. Catherine could go in, if she is willing, and I myself am very willing to try-"

"No… no, it won't work," Buffy said, and her voice was dull, husky; she could feel a strange helpless weakness come over her slowly, and she knew then that she was giving up. Faith would never wake up… she had not brought her back and never would. She had failed her, again, Faith was going to die because of her…

"Why do you say that, Buffy?" Catherine asked her in a kind, patronizing tone that would normally have pissed Buffy off, but now she barely heard it in her quickly deepening daze.

"It just won't… she won't talk to you, you won't reach her. You won't be able to bring her back, none of you. I was the only one who could, I was the one she wanted, the one she needed, and I blew it. Oh god… god, I was so close, and now she'll never… she'll never…"

Buffy's words trailed off, and a sob escaped her; she could feel herself starting to cry, could hear the three voices address her at once, but she ignored them, brushing past the hands extended out to her as she made her way blindly to Faith's side. Looking down at her through eyes blurring with her own tears, she reached with shaky fingers to carefully wipe the nearly dried tears from Faith's cheeks, no longer trying to stop her own slow, nearly silent tears from falling. She leaned her face close to Faith's, nearly whispering in her ear as she began to stroke her hair, aware of the three adults' eyes on her and completely not caring what they might be thinking.

"I'm so sorry, Faithy," she whispered, leaning her forehead until it was nearly touching the top of Faith's head. "I'm sorry… I wanted to get you out, I really did. I wanted to so bad, and I'm so sorry I didn't. I'm so sorry, baby… I… I love you. I love you, I'm so sorry…"

Still crying in near silence, a silence that hurt in a way that audible sobs never could, Buffy kissed Faith's forehead, her lips lingering for a few seconds. As she straightened, she kept her hands on the girl's face, one on the side of her head, the other cupping her cheek.

That was when she felt it… Faith's jaw muscle tensed under Buffy's hand, moving, flexing strangely…

Buffy froze, her eyes fixated, wide and unblinking, on Faith's face. She was scarcely daring to let herself hope, scarcely daring to let herself think that there could be anything more to what she had just felt. People could move in comas, after all, people could do all kinds of things. After all, she had just wiped Faith's tears- Faith had been crying and she was still in a coma, she still hadn't woke up, so just because her face moved a little didn't mean anything. Just because-

But then Faith's face was tensing again, twitching in rapid little mini-spasms… and her eyes were moving under her lids quickly. And then Buffy saw her eyelashes flicker up and down as her eyes slit open partly, then sank closed again. As she simply stared at Faith, struck into an awed, completely thunderstruck speechlessness, she saw Faith's eyes flutter partially open again a moment later, a little wider this time, before once more closing… and she could hear Faith moaning faintly as her face twitched again.

"Oh god," Buffy breathed, pulling in a shaky breath that felt icy sliding down her throat. She was only vaguely aware of how hard her heart was knocking in her chest, of the trembling that was spreading down slowly through her body. "Oh god, oh god…"

"What is it, Buffy?" Giles asked quickly, near alarm in his voice as he began to make his way to her side. Miriam and Catherine too were looking at her with concern, probably starting to think that Buffy was nearing a nervous breakdown, judging from their expressions.

"I-I think she's- I think she's waking up," Buffy stuttered somewhat squeakily, as she watched Faith's eyes struggle to open a third time, hear her utter a slightly louder moan…

Buffy could sense Giles stepping up behind her, could hear the two women hurrying to her as well… but it was Buffy who first saw Faith's eyes open all the way on her fourth try. She was looking at her cloudily, her forehead slowly scrunching and her lips parting, as if she could not in that moment place who Buffy was- or possibly even who she herself was. It was to Buffy that Faith croaked out her first words, her usually throaty voice made dry and rasping from long disuse in a way that sounded nearly painful.

"W-what… where…"

"Faith! Faith… oh god, Faith!" Buffy cried hoarsely, and her voice broke as her tears began to flow steadily once more. Grabbing Faith's cold hand with both of hers, she squeezed the girl's fingers tightly, then brought it to her lips, kissing it gently before finally pulling it to her chest and holding it there against her heart. She could feel Faith's fingers twitch weakly in her hand and a jolt of joy and exhilaration shot through her, so intense she half expected her heart to burst through her chest, if only to bring itself closer to Faith's.

"Faith… Faith, it's me, it's Buffy," she half-sobbed, squeezing Faith's fingers again as the tears continued to stream down her cheeks, as her heart hammered wildly. She shifted Faith's hand into only one of her own, and with her other reached to stroke her hair back gently, letting her fingers linger against Faith's head. "It's okay, I'm right here with you, you're going to be okay. Can you understand me, baby? You're going to be okay…"

Buffy could dimly hear Miriam and Catherine speaking, asking her to move aside so they could get to Faith, could feel Giles's hand resting on her back, conveying the same sentiment. But just for a few moments she didn't care. She wanted, she NEEDED, just a few more seconds alone with Faith, just a little more reassurance that this was all real, this wasn't just a vision, a dream, a delusion, before she could back away…

She saw Faith's mouth open, could see her face working, eyes still looking at her blearily, already starting to drift shut as Faith fought to keep them open, fought to speak. Buffy stroked her hair again, squeezed her hand, leaning down closer to her as she tried to make out what she might be trying to say.

"What is it, sweetie? What are you trying to say?"

Faith's lips were moving again, and this time Buffy's slayer hearing picked up her barely audible struggle to speak.

"I… I s-said… then w-what… what are you f-fuckin' cryin' for… if I'm okay? W-wuss…"

Buffy's eyes widened, and a loud sob escaped her, one bred of startlement and joy rather than sadness. She squeezed Faith's fingers hard, feeling another rush of euphoria sweep over her at the way she felt the brunette's twitch slightly again.

"You think I'll let you get away with that one just because you're flat on your back? You just wait, Faith, you're gonna get it back…"

Catherine and Miriam had stopped waiting for Buffy to move and were bent over Faith, beginning to examine her quickly even as Giles took Buffy's hands in his, gently prying them away from Faith and backing her out of the way. Buffy let him passively, too dazed to protest as she continued to keep her eyes on Faith, unable to believe what had just happened. Faith had awakened, Faith had spoke to her, even called her a wuss. Faith was back… she was going to be okay…

That was about when Buffy realized that Faith's eyes had closed again, that she was not re-opening them… her heart leapt into her throat, nearly choking her, and she grabbed Giles's arm, turning towards him a her eyes darted between him and Faith, dilating rapidly with her panic and horror.

"Giles- Giles, what just happened, why is she going back?! Is she going back- what just happened, she was just awake!"

"She's okay, honey, she actually seems to be in astonishingly good condition right now, considering," Catherine said to her soothingly, and for once her tone didn't only serve to annoy Buffy. "Especially in comparison to the average person in a coma for four months."

"You see, Buffy, when a person is awakening from a coma, they can't just jump out of bed and walk and talk and be fully alert," Miriam explained as she and Catherine continued to check Faith's vital signs, her reflexes and muscle tone. "It's a slow process. The brain has been injured as well as the body, and it needs time to recover itself. When the person is first awakening she'll rarely stay conscious and lucid for more than a few moments at a time. She'll drift in and out for a while, staying awake for gradually lengthening periods and also becoming stronger and more fully with us mentally, if you understand what I mean. Right now, Faith's mind is just giving itself a chance to rebuild, recuperate."

"You can talk to her, honey," Catherine told Buffy kindly, smiling at her from where Giles had pulled her aside, still touching her back. Giles himself seemed astonished, speechless, and yet there was a quiet happiness in his eyes, not quite satisfaction, but relief, as if he had a bit of hope to obtain satisfaction.

"If you'll stay out of our way, stand right there, you can hold her hand, even. At this stage, I'm almost positive she hears you, even feels you- and she might return to us more quickly," Catherine continued.

Drawing in another shuddery breath, Buffy stepped over to where Catherine had told her to stand, reaching for Faith's hand. Gazing down at her, she sniffed, swiping at her wet cheeks.

"Hi, Faith," she tried softly. "Can you hear me? I'm right here. Why don't you come back again for me…"


	20. Chapter 20

"Enjoy the silence" by Lacuna Coil

Words like violence  
Break the silence  
Come crashing in  
Into my little world  
Painful to me  
Pierce right through me  
Cant you understand  
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted  
All I ever needed  
Is here in my arms  
Words are very unnecessary  
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken  
To be broken  
Feelings are intense  
Words are trivial  
Pleasures remain  
So does the pain  
Words are meaningless  
And forgettable

All I ever wanted  
All I ever needed  
Is here in my arms  
Words are very unnecessary  
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

Chapter 20

For the past hour since the three had got into Giles's car and began the trip back to Sunnydale, there had been almost unbroken silence. Buffy barely noticed it, although she suspected that Giles did and was uncomfortable with it; her mind was working overtime, so full of her confused 

thoughts, questions, and worries that she doubted she would have been able to push them aside long enough to have a coherent conversation.

She knew also that the long quiet between them was partly derived from the exhaustion felt by all three of them, even Giles. During the nearly full day that Buffy had spent inside Faith's head- it had seemed a much shorter time to her on the inside than it had been in actuality- he had done nothing but watch her and Faith ceaselessly, waiting. For most of the following day after Faith had first awakened, he also had not slept or rested, though he had urged Buffy to do so. As tired as she was, she had refused not wanting to leave Faith's side. She was feeling so many emotions, both then and now, that she was certain she couldn't have slept if she wanted to. And between her physical weariness and also her emotional strain from her experience in Faith's mind, however, Buffy was exhausted.

After her initial brief awakening, Faith had, as Miriam and Catherine had predicted, drifted in and out of consciousness for the next 24 hours, as the two doctors continued to monitor her, doing so in shifts to allow each other to rest. Giles had offered to do the same with Buffy in regard to sitting with Faith, waiting for her awakenings, but Buffy had declined, and Giles had in turn stayed with her as she stayed with Faith.

In further keeping with the women's assurances, Faith had with each awakening grown more alert and aware of her surroundings, stayed conscious for a longer period of time. She had hoarsely answered a few of their questions in regard to how she felt ("I don't know" was the barely audible reply) and whether she was in any pain ("No" had been her response, but it had been very slow in coming). Other than that, however, she had said little, and Buffy had not wanted to pressure her. She suspected that it was painful for Faith to speak, and not only physically. She was still in a state of near awe just hearing Faith speak to her in reality at all, to see her moving and conscious, looking back at her, even if her face was carefully and strangely unreadable…

After Faith had stayed conscious for a half hour with them upon her fifth reawakening, and had even ate a little pudding and drank some water, Catherine told Buffy and Giles that Faith was now fully out of her coma, for her brain waves were showing a normal sleep cycle. She had not, when she closed her eyes, slipped back into a partially comatose state, but rather into regular sleep. Faith was fully out of the woods as far as requiring medical care and monitoring, but with her muscles still weakened and atrophied from her long period of only being moved by others, 

she would need assistance in getting around and even self-care for some time, until she gained her strength back. Although the nurses in the hospital who had cared for her had turned her often to prevent bed sores, they had not moved her arms and legs for her often enough to keep her from losing her muscle tone. Until she could move on her own easily, she would have to be supported or carried anywhere she would need to go.

As Faith had slept, Buffy and Giles had began to make what arrangements they could in regard to her. They had called Willow and Xander, filling them in on the fact that Buffy had been successful in awakening Faith without filling them in on any details. That time would come later, although how much she would actually tell them, Buffy had not yet decided.

After some careful thought and discussion, the next phone call had gone out to Joyce Summers, Buffy's mother. It had been decided that, eventually, after more immediate problems were taken care of, and if Joyce was willing, that Faith would stay with her at her home. If or when it got to the point where they thought it would be safe, Buffy would live at home a while to help with her, and to be with her mother, just in case. She had offered with no real optimism to take a leave from her classes until Faith was completely better instead of the week she had already began, but Giles had given her such an annoyed/incredulous look at the suggestion that she knew better than to mention it to her mother.

Upon Buffy's edited but truthful explanation to her mother of Faith's past, later crimes, and what she and Giles had done with her, Joyce agreed to allow Faith to stay with them, at least for a little while. She was cautious in her agreement, but also seemed carefully optimistic; she trusted her daughter's judgment and told her so. Joyce had always liked Faith, Buffy remembered; she had viewed her with the same motherly concern she did Xander and Willow, especially considering her motherless state and determinedly loner-like living style. She had told Buffy before that Faith "has some jagged edges, but is really a sweet girl." At the time Buffy had been amused by her mother's description, but now she wondered just how much her mother had seen into Faith from her few meetings with her that Buffy had not seen on a daily basis.

Buffy knew that she would have to explain to her mother about Faith, about the entire situation, in more detail. After all, she was probably taking into her home a girl who had, regardless of her motivations, once aligned herself with a man that wanted to eat the entire town… and yet, she was also a girl with a past and a pain so horrible that Buffy could not stand to keep thinking 

about it, keep remembering. And yet she felt guilty for her feelings… for how could she say SHE couldn't stand it, when it had been Faith who LIVED through it?

She and Giles had talked to Catherine and Miriam about what they would need to do to help Faith, both physically and mentally, all the while with Buffy carefully skipping around talking about what had actually happened in Faith's mind. She knew that, even more so than with the others, she would eventually have to tell Giles what she had seen, at least a little, enough so he could understand. But right now Buffy felt for more than one reason that she couldn't, and he didn't ask her. Not only was she anxious to keep from thinking about it, but it also felt somehow to her that if she told Giles what had happened to Faith, what she had seen and felt through Faith's eyes in her head, that it would somehow be an invasion of Faith's privacy, a betrayal to her.

Besides… somehow it didn't seem quite as necessary for her to talk to Giles as it was for her to talk to the others. Somehow Buffy felt that he, unlike they, had already almost known what had come as such a shock for her to see… somehow, she felt that he already nearly understood what it had taken witnessing firsthand for her to comprehend.

When Faith had awakened again a couple of hours later, Giles and Buffy had carefully explained to her the Council's former and perhaps current issues with her and why they had brought her from her coma in the way that they had. They told her that they would eventually bring her around to stay at Joyce's, after they figured out how to deal with the issue of the Council and her and everyone else's safety. Buffy had watched her reaction carefully. Faith had frowned slightly, her brow furrowing in seeming confusion, but she did not comment, asked no questions. Had Buffy not seen a strange flicker in her eyes, once quickly stifled, and a brief twitch of her lips, she would have thought that Faith did not understand her words, or that she had somehow damaged her mind, lost her memory during her coma.

She had been acting like that ever since her second awakening… quiet, strange, as though she were a little out of it- or perhaps half-paralyzed with fear. She barely said anything, barely looked at anyone or anybody- but especially Buffy. It was hard for Buffy to read her, to gauge what she might be thinking or feeling. Did she remember any of what had gone on inside her own mind with Buffy- and if so, how much? Was she behaving this way because of shame, or embarrassment at what she had done, what Buffy now knew about her?But why then did she not 

react in some way to show that she knew and remembered that Buffy had demonstrated her love and forgiveness for her?

Did she really not remember? Was she confused, still disoriented, or were her memories only partly there? Surely she remembered what had happened before her coma, how she got into it in the first place- or didn't she? Surely she had guessed that the Mayor's Ascension had been stopped, that he was now dead… but she did not ask. She didn't ask anything at all…

Buffy had been dying to find out what Faith was thinking and feeling, what was running through the other girl's mind. She wanted to know what Faith needed and wanted from her, from everyone… but somehow she felt as if she shouldn't' ask, should let Faith come to her herself. She tried to walk a line she was not sure existed, to show Faith her support and forgiveness of her without words or touch, but by her simply staying near her, silently offering her assistance should Faith ask for it. She didn't want to scare her or alienate her by being too pushy or forward, even by way of affection- for she could not, in this real world, this reality, with the real Faith, know yet how to decipher Faith and what she wanted…

Catherine and Miriam had dressed Faith in their own clothes, getting rid of the hospital gown that made her that much more identifiable. After Buffy and Giles had thanked them for all their help, Buffy had carried Faith, once they were ready, to Giles's car, buckling her into the backseat. Conscious, Faith had felt even lighter and more fragile to her than she had while in a coma, and Buffy found herself wondering how quickly her slayer strength would help her heal. It was likely that Faith owed her physical survival to it.

Faith had been stiff in her arms even with her lack of control over her limbs, and she somehow seemed to be keeping herself apart from Buffy slightly despite Buffy's holding her close. Even with the difficulty that Buffy was having reading her now, it was clear that Faith was uncomfortable, tense. The thing was that Buffy didn't know if this was in reaction to something that had occurred inside her mind, or something else entirely that had occurred before her coma… or possibly a combination of both. God knows it was confusing enough, regardless of what Faith might or might not remember, and Buffy was not sure how to react. It couldn't be that Faith was afraid of her- or was it? Was she actually afraid that Buffy might hurt her, or wanted to punish her for things she had done in her past?

Buffy just didn't' know, couldn't tell, and she couldn't find a way to ask. And Faith was by no means telling her.

Buffy had stayed in the backseat with Faith on impulse rather than sitting in the passenger seat next to Giles. She wanted to stay close to her, protect her in whatever way might be needed, even as she carefully kept herself from touching Faith more than was necessary. She was not yet sure whether or not Faith was okay with that- whether Faith was okay with anything.

None of them had spoken very much as Giles started up the car, each preoccupied with his or her own thoughts and worries. In less than twenty minutes, however, Faith's weariness had caught up with her, and her eyes slid shut, her head lolling heavily towards her chest in an uncomfortable-looking position. Catherine and Miriam had warned Buffy about this; she would need a lot of sleep for a while, as her brain and body worked to heal itself.

Buffy had glanced over at Faith several times, her chest tight, filled with a bittersweetness that she could almost taste. After several minutes of debating, she had found herself leaning to undo Faith's seatbelt, gently pulling the girl so that her body was leaned against her side, her head pillowed on her shoulder. Faith had stirred but not awakened, her body relaxing against Buffy's in her sleep, and Buffy had felt her heart move in a way that was both painful and pleasant.

She could see Giles glancing at her in the rearview mirror thoughtfully, his eyes narrowed, but he said nothing… and Buffy gratefully followed his example. She leaned her head against Faith's slightly, a sigh escaping her as she tried to focus her thoughts on the fact that for now, at least, Faith was awake, she had saved her. For now, at least, Faith was safe…

Later, of course, that would became an issue. Later, Faith might not be safe at all- later, her very presence might mean that none shielding or associating with her were. There were still so many things that were unresolved, so many loose ends that Buffy did not yet know how to tie together.

There was the Council, of course. How would they react when they called the hospital in two days, only to discover that Willow had hacked into their files yesterday and removed all records of Faith having been a patient? Not to mention the spells she had cast on the staff and the Sunnydale cops they had alerted to alter their memories of Faith having ever existed…

They would know immediately that Buffy and Giles were behind it. The question was, how would they respond? Buffy didn't know… but she was sure they would not quietly let Faith go on with her life. Would they track her down and try to kill her, knowing what she had done with the Mayor? Would they haul her off and attempt to rehabilitate her, Council-style? Or did they have something else in mind?

And what about Buffy and Giles, what were they going to do to them? For surely they would be enraged at their interference with the Council's plans for Faith…

And of course, there was Faith herself. What was going on with her, now? How much did she know, how much did she remember? Did she still need some form or rehabilitation, or would she eventually be okay, with their support? Therapy was probably a good idea, but the chances of her agreeing to that and them finding a therapist she could actually share her slayer status with… close to negative ten.

Faith had said so much to her in her mind, things Buffy knew she would never forget… but two things in particular kept edging their way into her thoughts. One was that Faith had seemed to indicate to her that she knew already the Council's plans for her. Did that mean she had been aware of what she said around her while comatose- and if so, did she remember it? Did she remember the things Buffy had said to her… did she remember that Buffy had told her she loved her?

Where did she and Faith stand now? Did Faith still want her, still hope for her attention and affection, crave it the way she had in her memories? Even if she did, was she willing to admit and act on it? Was Buffy- was she ready for something like that, to be in a relationship so strange and different from any she'd ever known- a relationship with FAITH, of all people?!

Could that ever even work out at all between them? What would people say, what would they think if Buffy was suddenly gay- gay with FAITH?! Even her friends- no, ESPECIALLY her friends. And her mom…

Did Buffy care what they would say? No… not really, she decided quickly, but did Faith? Was Faith even capable of being in any kind of relationship after what had been done to her as a child? Could someone ever really love if she herself had never been loved?

And then there was the other thing… inside her mind, Faith had said she wanted to die, that she deserved to. Did any part of her still feel that way? What if that slowed her healing, or somehow put her in danger that Buffy could not protect her from?

No! No, she wouldn't let it… she couldn't let it. Whatever else happened, Buffy was going to keep Faith alive… even if the person she had to save Faith from was Faith.

Sighing slowly again, she concentrated on relaxing her tensed muscles, focusing on the solid, warm weight of Faith at her side, the softness of her hair under her cheek. She tried to focus only on this, only on the fact that right now, at this moment, Faith was pressed up close to her, and she was okay. For right now at least, Buffy had triumphed. Whatever the next day or even the next hour brought, she would deal with it then.

End

Author notes: I am definitely planning a sequel, I am trying to plot it out right now. So… any suggestions for it at all are appreciated. Suggestions for dealing with the problems of the Council, any other mentioned issues I addressed in this chapter are much appreciated as I'm still figuring them out myself. Also any scenes/occurrences you would like to happen as well in the sequel would be great too! Thank you for reading!


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